Bridges of Respect
...opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and gender identity
- The final passage of President Mitzi Henderson's keynote address at the 13th Annual PFLAG Convention. San Francisco, September 3, 1994.
But above all a bridge works only when the traffic flows across. That traffic must flow both ways. That means that we will meet those that disagree with us as well as our friends. We have experienced such virulent attacks from those from the other side that the temptation is to blow up that bridge to protect ourselves. I have visited PFLAG affiliates in eleven states this last year and have been tremendously impressed by the vitality and creativity and growth that I see. But I have also sensed that our members are feeling under seige. We understandably resent it when our children and our friends are stereotyped and demonized. When that happens we can all too easily fall into the trap of hating and sterotyping those who are not on our side. And yet if we value an inclusive community, if we value families, if we truly come from a position of love, we must resist that temptation to view all those who are not on our side as the enemy.
A phone conversation that I had this week with a PFLAG member brought that home to me more powerfully than ever and I want to share that with you. I hope you have all seen the video Gay Youth. It was produced by PFLAG member Pam Walton who is staffing our video room at this convention. Pam has been estranged from her father for the past twenty five years. She is a former highschool teacher with a masters degree in film from Stanford, but she is lesbian. Her father serves on the board of directors of one of the staunchly anti-gay Christian foundations. I want you to know about the recent extraordinary event in their lives.
Pam is now working on a new film about families. At her brother's urging she finally talked with her father on the telephone about this video and asked if she could come and meet with him about the experience of estrangement within their family and he agreed. So two weeks ago with her partner Ruth, Pam travelled East to visit her father and his wife. They sat down and listened to one other. They shared their experiences. They come from extremely different perspectives. They do not agree at all. But they made some vital discoveries.
Pam's father discovered that she is not the Rush Limbaugh cartoon of the screaming violent superfeminist, but rather a concerned, thoughtful, caring woman. And Pam discovered that her father was not vehement dogmatic unfeeling homophobe, but rather a committed Christian who is uneasy with the violent antigay attack being launched by the leaders of his own organization.
Above all, Pam's father discovered that he liked Ruth. As they walked out the door, Pam's stepmother confided to her that she thought Ruth was quite a catch. And now there is the possibility that they will be invited back to her father's home for Christmas.
When we feel under attack it is hard to remember that there are hurting, caring people on both sides of the bridge. Fundamentalist Christians and Evangelicals are not all bigots. Not all those who support the religious right are malicious unthinking folks. Genuine sharing about issues that we are jointly concerned about can build bridges across seemingly unbridgable chasms. If we listen carefully to those who disagree with us, as we are asking them to listen to us, we may find as Pam has, and her Dad, then we can find new avenues of understanding.
And I am not recommending that we give up one iota of commitment, but I am reminding us that we must continue to share our humanity with those with whom we disagree, and invite them to do the same. Only then will we be able to enter a real dialogue. Only then will our efforts at education and advocacy be credible. Only then can we help those people, both gay and straight, who are frightened into silence or into violent words and actions.
If we belittle and are hateful to those who disagree with us, we demean ourselves and our loved gay and lesbian families. And we deny our mission of working toward loving relationships. We must not close that bridge to anyone.
Like the builders of our beloved Golden Gate bridge, we have made a commitment to be bridge builders for the future. Anchored in the firm bedrock of our love for our families and friends, we are going to brave the treacherous waters of political and social disapproval. We are constructing strong towers of understanding and respect. And we will span that chasm of misunderstanding and fear that divides our communities. We will build for all those that we have lost to AIDS. We will build for those that we love. And we will build for those that we do not know who will come to cross that bridge to affirmation for lesbian and gay and bisexual persons. We will together build that bridge to equality for all.