Dan came to pflag-talk, on Friday, June 7, 1996, the day after he'd come out to his sister. His father is homophobic, abusive, alcoholic. Dan had read Prayers for Bobby and he sees himself as having been, at one time, like Bobby Griffith, who killed himself as a teenager. At the age of 24 he had recently moved back home. He had subscribed to some gay magazines and in a few weeks the magazines would begin arriving. He had forced his own hand--he would have to come out to his family soon. Read Dan's 1st message, Looking for the Easy Way Out.
Dan's first post was sent on Friday morning. By Saturday evening Dan had received 40 responses from pflag-talkers. Most were sent privately. Wendy, Shaun, Rick, Dave, Bill and Jim posted these responses and gave permission to have them on the web.
On Saturday evening, June 8, Dan wrote his 2nd message, Thank you Allwhich was not only a thank you for his pflag-talk correspondence, but moved the story along in a cliff-hanging way. As Dan and his mom were edging toward the big moment, Dad walked into the room. They quickly changed the subject.
I went to bed feeling so sick that I was so close, yet so far away. I had to get up at 4:00am to go to work, during the week my mother wakes up and wishes me off, I was hoping that she would get up at 4 this morning, so that I could finish the conversation that I had started, but (bless her heart, because she needs the rest) she stayed in bed.
Laura Siegel is from San Francisco PFLAGand she is pflag-talk's prima-mama in the support department. Laura answered:
Date: Sat, 8 Jun 1996 22:59:33 -0400
Subject: Re: Thank you all
From: Laursiegel@aol.com
Dan wrote:
<<I have taken your words of waiting till I move out again, to
tell my parents, into advisement, however, and I know I may not have a
choice, I want to be here with them for a little bit when I tell them.
I do have the finacial means of getting my own place if needed, but hopefully
that will not be the case. >>
Dan, I remember something a psychologist speaker once told us at a pflag meeting. He said, "You tell people 'don't come out until you're ready. Don't be angry. Be sure of yourself before you tell your parents. Make sure you're financially stable, not dependant on your parents, etc, etc.' But the botton line is when you're ready, then you're ready. And there is really no right time."
Love, Laura
Steve Basile, owner-pflag-talk, from Austin, TX jumped in with a response and concluded:
"Each at his own time, each at his own pace, each in his own way. Coming out is a process, a journey, not a race. Unlike most journeys, there is no one destination in mind, only a direction. Keep on. When you stray, or slow down, don't be afraid to ask advice or direction. Your journey is yours alone, and regardless of where you end up, or when, don't let anyone else plan the trip." ---Steve Basile
June 10, 1996--One down, One to go...
"Well...
I did absolutly nothing today, yet I think that it was the most exhausting
day of my life!"
[snip] Read all of Dan's 3rd message, One Down, One to go...
"As I said, just the last two hours have been so exhausting for me I am going to go to bed now, but I wanted you all to know... (I can't find Melissa or Michael to tell them, so you are the only friends I have right now...)
Thanks for the support, the letters, the love. I hope, no I know, that you all will be here for me on my next step to freedom."
The responses to One down, One to go... poured in. Many were congratulatory, echoing the the words of Liz Armstrong, 68, a pflag mom from Los Angeles. Like so many who have lost their sons to AIDS, Liz's love goes out to the living.
From: LizArm@aol.com
In a message dated 96-06-11 01:28:32 EDT, Dan wrote:
>I did absolutly nothing today,
Dan, Are you kidding? You dug yourself out of a very deep hole. You pushed open a very heavy door. You tore down a great barrier. You conquered crippling fear. You defeated a powerful enemy. You took charge of your life. You inspire us all. Congratulations, you and your mother have wonderful times ahead that I believe will make this a red letter day. Enjoy your accomplishment, we're proud of you! Give your mom a hug from me and tell her I said she doesn't know what she's been missing, and line dancing is just part of it (if I remember correctly)..
Warmest wishes, Liz Armstrong
Hugh's Long Response gave a retrospective of the journey his family has been on since he'd come out to them four years ago.
and Laura Siegel did the Laura-thing, posting:
Date: 96-06-11 03:37:28 EDT
From:Laursiegel @aol.com
To: Dan
Oh Dan - I smiled and cried and was overwhelmed with love and support for you when I read your letter. You did soooooo goooood!!!!! I'm so proud of you. Keep the faith. You make me want to love and love and love some more. I'll hold you in my heart these next few weeks.
Laura
Dan wrote,
Well, it's Father's Day, I would like to wish everyone that is a father on this list the very best in life. You may be lurking, you may be active, you may be new, or old, but if you are here it tells me, that you are an awesome father, one, I wish I had.
As for mom - she watches, silently from the kitchen table, probably holding her breath hoping that tonight isn't the night. I just don't know if I should open the conversation more by asking her if she has any questions about my lifestyle, or if I should wait, and let her ask on her time... Currently I am waiting, impatiently, but respectfully.
Thanks - I know I rambled on but I was bored... :-)
Take care,
Dan
Dan's mother has outed him to his father. On Tuesday, June 18 when Dan told his father he was going dancing in the Bay area,
"He gave me the most evil look I had ever seen. I didn't know what that ment, I thought that maybe he was disgusted because I was going to the bay area, but today I found out why his eyes were red, and what the evil look was all about."