June 16, 1996--Dan's 4th Message
Date: Sun, 16 Jun 1996 21:34:55 -0700
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
From: Dan
Subject: Can we
dance?
Sender: owner-pflag-talk@vector.casti.com
Well, it's Father's Day, I would like to wish everyone that is a father on this page the very best in life. You may be lurking, you may be active, you may be new, or old, but if you are here it tells me, that you are an awesome father, one, I wish I had.
The week is over. My mother has yet to talk to me about my announcement, she treats me as though I never told her, which is good, I guess. After the news I was hoping for more of what I got last night - from the person I least expected it, my sister.
About 2 years ago my sister met the man of her dreams, Michael. Michael truely is an awesome guy, and to date the only one that I have approved of, which, I think, made her like him even more. Together they have 3 kids, 2 girls (age 4, and 6) and 1 boy (age 2). The kids were over at papa's, and honey's (my dad, and mother, you see dad calls mom "honey", and the kids picked it up). So my sister, Michael and I were playing Super Mario Bros, on Nintendo (we found the star world...!!! I won, and it was my first time playing...!!!) We were talking about things, and so forth when my sister started the following conversation:
"So, have you told mom or dad that you are gay yet?"
I looked at her, Michael was sitting right next to her, and I didn't realize that she had told him. I said, "I told mom, she didn't call you?"
Spring said, "no, when did you tell her?"
"I told her last monday, I told her you knew, and that she should talk to you."
"Well she didn't, how did she take it?"
I relayed the story to her, and she sat there for a while. Then it came, I wasn't ready so it caught me off guard, but she asked, "So how many people have you dated?"
I looked at her puzzled, and asked, "Why" I can't help it, but I have been told that I get this 'I know something you don't smile', and it was apparently on my face at this point, because she started laughing and told me not to play games... Again, I asked, "Why do you want to know about my social life"
She told me that she just wanted to know, and that it was ok if I didn't want to tell her. At this point I realized that she was trying to find things that I had been hiding for years, things I wanted to share, but had always been afraid to. I realized that my defense system was working well, I have hidden things for 25 years, and still even though I have given everyone a map of my life, I am still unwilling to give directions. I told her that I was sorry, and told her that I was just not used to talking about my social life to my family.
I said, "I have dated about 10 people." Again, I said people, not men, but people, I wonder if I will ever stop using non-sex terms...
She asked, "why did you date Debbie, for a year, if you knew that you were gay."
I said, "well, do you remember what she looked like, she looked kinda like a guy, was very masculine, had a (and I am not sexist) typical male job, and it made mom and dad happy that I was dating. Take a second and walk through the house, there are pictures of her, and things she made everywhere... Mom and dad liked her"
She said, "But you didn't?"
I said, "No, it made me happy that they were happy, but I just couldn't handle the lies, and I could see that I was not making Debbie all that happy. I decided at that point that I couldn't lie anymore, but I still couldn't tell you guys the truth."
She said she understood, Michael asked why I was so concerned about everyone else, and not worried about me. I was shocked, shocked that he was so accepting of this, and shocked that I couldn't answer his question. I sat there for four lifes (on NES remember) and then I simply said, "Michael I can't answer that, that is just me. I have always been worried about the other person, I have always wanted to help other people, if it meant that I had to do something bad, or risk something of mine to do it I would, as long as the odds were that the other person would make it ok, I just thought that if they were happy it would make me happy, and I could live that way. I just found out you can't do it that way."
He shook his head.
Spring then got a big smile on her face, and asked, "So do I know any of the people you have dated?"
What is this - is this going to far, or is this normal inquisitive behavior???
I said, "Yes, you do, but I am not going to tell you who they are, they may not want you to know."
She said, "Thats ok - I already know some of them," and named off about six people.
I leaned back and got that 'I know something' smile and sat there for a second wondering why this was important to her, and what relevance it had on nintendo... It actually shocked me that she named 3 of my old flames, but I had only dreamed of the other three or four (one of which she also wanted, but never got)...
At this point Melissa paged me, I called and talked to her for a little bit, then started playing NES again.
Spring asked, "Is Melissa gay too."
I said, "No, but her room mate Michael is"
She asked, "Are you dating Michael?"
I told her, "no - he is just good friends with me," (although I would love to actually call him my boyfriend.)
She asked, "are you guys really going out on Tuesdays Dancing."
I said, "yes, but it is to a gay bar, we learn line dancing and have a lot of fun"
Michael then said something that blew me away - "Spring, do you want to go with Dan to the bar one night?"
Spring looked at him, and said, "Yea, that would be a blast," turned looked at me and said, "Can we go with you one night, we would love to learn to line dance and stuff."
They sat there looking at me as I was in total shock, my sister, and her future husband want to come with me to a gay bar to learn how to dance. I know that I sat there for several minutes, as they looked at me, and I looked at them. I asked, (thinking I was dreaming) "you want to what?"
Michael replied, "Can we go to the bar with you and learn to dance?"
I said, "Guys its a gay bar."
Spring said, "What, now you are discriminating against straight people"
I laughed, for at least 10 minutes, finally I said, "You are more then welcome to come with me to learn to dance. We go every Tuesday at 8:00"
They are planning on coming within the next 2 weeks. It blew me away, I just told her a little over a week ago that I was gay, and she wants to go out to the gay clubs / bars with me now... It makes no sense, what happened to the rejection, the hatred, the uneasyness that was supposed to come with my unvieling?
I am not sure how to take this.
I knew that my sister loved me, but I had always felt that she loved me because she had to, we were related, and for 18 years had to live together in the same house. Tonight I realized that for 25 years I have been pushing people out of my life. I always felt that she was just snooping around, just being friends because she had to, or because mom and dad had sent her to spy on me! Tonight, after lowering my defenses I realized that she truly is an awesome person. Someone that I should care about, care for - not because I have to, but because of who she is, what she thinks, and what she says. I only wish that I would have realized this years ago, unfortunatly I was to busy watching out for me, to see the real people that were there next to me the whole time.
As for dad - who knows, Its fathers day, and I couldn't spoil it for him and tell him that I was gay today (at least that was the excuse I used for myself). I have been hitting him left and right day after day about gay issues that I have seen here on Pflag, and have been reading in various books or magazines that I have. My plan at this point is to bombard him with gay info, debate with him the issue, and then eventually one night tell him. The funny thing is that to me I am being so obvious that I am gay, in my passion, in my debates, in my stance, yet it is oblivious to him. I am also in the process of renting a house, I have decided that I want the key in my hand when I tell him. I also want a room for my mother, should she want to come over and stay with me for a couple of days, weeks, years, who knows.
As for mom - she watches, silently from the kitchen table, probably holding her breath hoping that tonight isn't the night. I just don't know if I should open the conversation more by asking her if she has any questions about my lifestyle, or if I should wait, and let her ask on her time... Currently I am waiting, impatiently, but respectfully.
Thanks - I know I rambled on but I was bored... :-)
Take care,
Dan
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