Dans 2nd Message
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Date: Sat, 8 Jun 1996 18:45:20 -0700
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
From: Dan
Subject: Thank you All
I would like to take a moment to thank everyone that has taken the time to E-mail me their stories, advice, and love.
I was talking with my mother last night about a friend that I have. She is out of work, and the two of us went out "job hunting." We stopped at an Ambulance Service in Antioch, CA and for kicks (more so she would fill out applications) I was filling out applications and submitting them when she did. Yesterday I was offered a part time (on call) position at Antioch Ambulance. My friend was not, and when I asked about her, the reply was, "we have placed her application on file for future openings." I felt bad, that I was hired and she was not, especially since I already have a full time job, that I do not intend on leaving, and she has nothing. So, I came home and talked with my mother. I asked if she thought I should tell my friend, or if I should just stay quite.
What she said made my stomach twist, and eyes water:
"Dan, If I were your friend I would hope that you would tell me anything. I would feel very bad if you had something to tell me, and I somehow made you afraid, embarrased, or too upset to tell me about it. Part of being a friend is loving each other with all of your hearts, and if she gets upset because of something that happened in your life that you had no control over, then you shouldn't be friends whith her."
I asked (trying to real her in):
"So you think that if there was something in my life that I needed to tell someone, but was too afraid that they may reject me, or not speak with me, I should go ahead and tell them anyway, and risk rejection, or hatred?"
Her reply:
"I think that you should say what is on your mind, if you don't, you are just tearing yourself up, if you do, and you are rejected because of it, then it shows you that they really don't care about you after all."
So guess what I said...
"Well, then I have something to say to you."
She asked, "what?"
My father walked in, I made a joke about it, and told her that there was a bug in her hair...!!! ARG....!!!! She started laughing, we joked for a while, then went to bed. I was devistated. I went to bed feeling so sick that I was so close, yet so far away. I had to get up at 4:00am to go to work, during the week my mother wakes up and wishes me off, I was hoping that she would get up at 4 this morning, so that I could finish the conversation that I had started, but (bless her heart, because she needs the rest) she stayed in bed.
I have taken your words of waiting till I move out again, to tell my parents, into advisement, however, and I know I may not have a choice, I want to be here with them for a little bit when I tell them. I do have the finacial means of getting my own place if needed, but hopefully that will not be the case.
I had mentioned that my father would often target me when I defended homosexuality, and that I would always back down. Now I feel that I am ready to fight for what is right, to be me. I have truley given this a lot of thought, and I feel that in order for me to be happy I have to tell my parents. Even if they do not agree with my lifestyle I will no longer have to hide it from them, I won't be afraid of walking into a gay club and getting caught by my mom or dad, I won't worry about saying the wrong things in front of them. I will be able to tell them what is going on in my life, even if they don't care. I remember when I first started going to Hamburger Mary's I came home all excited, told my mother that I was learning to line dance, she wanted to go with me the next week. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't tell her that it was a gay club, but I couldn't tell her no... So I played hookie!!! told her that my date was ill, so I wasn't going to go, but was going to check up on them... (them, not him, funny how I always use them, they, my friend, my date, instead of him, or he, or even his name for that matter)... I hope that I will be able to tell my mother tommorrow (she is in Carson City NV., at a BD Party today).
Although my father talks very badly about homosexuals, he thinks very highly of me. In fact he walks into the spare bedroom where my mother hangs all of my awards, degrees, and certificates and shows his friends the latest things I have done, "My son goes to Stanford, and he got this award last week. You know he's a medic in the bay area, yep, takes care of all those people who call 911...." and goes on and on. (most of it is BS that he makes up, or streatches to fit a good story that he has in mind...) In my opinion My father will go one of two ways, want me out now, and will take at least 1 year to even speak with me again, but several more years to allow me into his house (he dosn't want AIDS, remember...), or as Jim said, "I've seen folks ranting and raving about an issue suddenly shocked into silence when it appears in their face."
Either way I am sure that I will have, "lots of splaining to do..." (in a ricki recardo tone...)... I am prepared, I am sure that I have forgot something, but As long as I have clean underwear I will be ok (isn't that what mom used to say???...)
Actually, as long as I have my sister, Melissa, Michael, (hopefully my mother) and my Cyber Friends here on the internet I will be fine.
Again, thanks for the replies (over 40 in two days), love, and support...
Dan
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