June 10, 1996--Dan's 3rd message
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Date: Mon, 10 Jun 1996 22:26:01 -0700
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
From: Dan
Subject: One down, One to go...
Well...
I did absolutly nothing today, yet I think that it was the most exhausting day of my life!
This morning I got up and moped around, went shopping, and got a hair cut. This afternoon I made a date with my mother to take her out to dinner. She got home around 4:00, showered and changed. We went to Mallards, her favorite restraunt, very good food, very nice atmosphere, (and very good looking waiter, w/ excellent attitude, unfortunatly he was not on the menu...) Oops... as I was saying, We left home, I took the long way to the restraunt thinking I would tell her on the way there, but I couldn't find a good time, a good way to fit it into the conversation. We arrived at the restraunt, we were seated quickly, as I flirted with our waiter My mother was looking at the menu (posibly ignoring my flirting, or just thinking I was just being my normal friendly self.) We ate, I stared at my mother the entire time, taking deep breaths every 5-10 minutes to gather up the courage to tell her that I was gay. The waiter would come by every 5-10 minutes smile at me, or I should say us, and check to make sure that we were fine. Before I knew it dinner was over, and we were on the way to a store to get some things my mother needed. We were home at 8:00, I looked at the clock, and asked what time dad would be home (Dad goes out with friends on Monday to play pool, and drink...) She told me that he is usually home by 9:00. I had an hour to go. I sat there and repeating the same deep sigh every couple of minutes, and doodled on a paper, I couldn't bring myself to say MOM, a simple word I had said millions of times, but I couldn't get the guts to say it now, I looked on the paper, and was shocked, I had written it, at least 10 times... Finnaly, at 8:50 I said:
"I was talking to Spring (my sister) the other day, and I have something to tell you guys (mom & dad), but Spring felt it would be best if I told you first."
Mom asked, "what is it", as she was cleaning her coffee pot.
I said, "Well, I have wanted to tell you for a while now that I am gay"
She kept cleaning her coffee pot, unsure of what to say. It seemed like hours went by, but only 5 seconds or so had past. She asked, "When did you decided you were gay, was it after Debbie (remember my one attempt at a straight relationship)?"
I said, "I have known for a long time, as long as I can remember, since I was a little kid."
Again, time slowly went by, and she asked, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
I said, "No, not right now, but I felt it was time that you knew."
She asked if I had ever had a boyfriend, I told her yes, I have had several. She wanted to know if they were since I had moved to the bay area. I told her that I had boyfriends when I was in high school, living here and have had several since then.
She then told me, "Dan, with all of the illnesses out there I don't want to lose you. I don't know if I could handle having to bury my child."
I told her that I was not stupid, and that I have used, and intend on using protection. She asked me why I was telling her that I was gay.
I replied, "Mom (finally I said it, mom...!!! Yipee!!!) I have been trying to make you guys happy for years, trying to fit in that BEST LITTLE BOY IN THE WORLD mold that you have made, so I was afraid that if I told you the truth that you would hate me, or reject me. Now I need to let you know so that I can make myself happy. I am tired of lying to you about what I am doing, tired of answering the dating questions, tired of acting like someone else around you guys, I needed to tell you, so that I could be happy with who I am."
Her reply, "I am sorry, you don't need to make us happy. I will love you no matter what, you are my son. I don't understand this, but I am not going to hate you because of it." Then she asked, "You don't intend on telling your dad do you?"
I said, "Yes, what do you think his reply will be?"
She said, "You know your dad, he has his ways, he grew up with 6 brothers, and he thinks that a man should be a man, he won't be happy about this at all."
I said, "Well, I know, that is why I want your help. I need you to think of a way to help me tell him."
She asked, "who else knows?" I told her that, "Spring knows", she asked, "what did Spring say?", I told her that Spring said, "I already knew.", mom stated, "from the two of you growing up together I guess..."
Mom said, "Well your father will not want anyone, especially in the family to know!", I said, "that is fine."(for now to help her overcome her shock anyways)
Dad walked in the front door, and mom got a scared look on her face, asked me if I was going to tell him tonght. I said no, and she said "Thank You" and appeared releived.
Dad went up stairs and I told mom that I needed to tell dad within the next three weeks, and asked what she thought his reaction would be. Mom said she did not know, she said he would be very upset, and that was the end of our conversation, as Dad came back downstairs.
She didn't really say much, and I hate the fact that I waited so long in the day to tell her, There is so much that she wanted to say, or ask, I could see it in her face, but like I was earlier, she just couldn't say anything. Unfortunatly I could not say much more, as I could barely speak, for fear that I was about to loose all emotional control and begin crying (which I hate to do).
I am going to leave some numbers with Spring so that my mom and her can call someone to talk to if needed. Unfortunatly I work for the next two days straight, and will not be back home until Thursday.
As I said, just the last two hours have been so exhausting for me I am going to go to bed now, but I wanted you all to know... (I can't find Melissa or Michael to tell them, so you are the only friends I have right now...)
Thanks for the support, the letters, the love. I hope, no I know, that you all will be here for me on my next step to freedom.
Dan
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