Dan's 1st message
Editor's note: Dan has given permission to have his story on the web. I have added subheads and paragraph breaks and corrected typos. Otherwise his letter stands exactly as written on Friday morning, June 7, 1996. Maggie Heineman
Date: Fri, 7 Jun 1996 10:23:27 -0700
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
From: Dan
Subject: Looking for the easy way out...
Hello All,
I am seeking advice from those of you who are parents, or those of you who have recently "come out" of the proverbial closet.
I am 24 years old, and recently I have moved back in with my parents, in an effort to save money for college. I have known that I am gay for years, (since as far back as I can remember) but I have never told my parents, and I think that it is time. I have thought it was time on many occasions, but for one reason or another I have always been afraid to actually tell them. This time I am forcing myself to do it. (I subscribed to several magazines and of course had them mailed home, ie the Advocate, Out etc...) So I now have the good old 4-6 weeks to tell them. (prob. more like 2-3 weeks)
The 12 meg version :-)
Anyways, I am sure that you are all asking why I have been afraid to tell them. Well, my life story is a very funny one, but I will try to give you the 12 meg. version... :-)
When I was younger my father was verbally abusive (and on occasion physically abusive) alcoholic. I learned that if I didn't fall within his range of acceptance I would become the target of his drinking. I watched as he degraded anything that he felt was wrong, or that would be in controversy at the time (race, gay, government, religion). On several occasions he would tell me how "faggots" should be lined up and shot, or sent to an island so that they can kill themselves, and various other things, and naturally as AIDS became more prevalent so did his "gay bashing".
I always laugh because he will not go to the bay area, (north of San Jose) because of all the faggots, you never know where they are, and he dosn't want to get AIDS. (I always laughed, "YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THEY ARE")
In my attempts to defend homosexuallity I found that he targeted me even more, so naturally I backed off. I found myself hating life, ran away several times (as a teenager), and at one point found myself playing Russian roulette (thank God I won.)
When I turned 18 I moved out of the house, thinking that all would be better. I then found myself afraid to do anything, that mom or dad, or one of their friends, or worse yet one of my straight friends would find out, and tell. I also started thinking if I was truly wrong, that I had a mental problem that I needed to fix. So for years I went with this internal debate wondering what to do.
I dated one girl, who looked more like a guy then a girl, made my parents happy, but made me even more miserable. That ended and I moved to the bay area. There I played around with several jobs and eventually ended up finding a career that I will keep forever, I work in the EMS field as an Ambulance Driver (EMT).
Melissa
I found a friend there, Melissa whose roommate is a gay male a little older then me. I came out to Melissa in January. I found her to be very open, very accepting, very loving, and someone whom I can tell things to and get a very honest, and open reply. She introduced me to Michael (her roommate) and they introduced me to Hamburger Marys (A restaurant in San Jose that has Gay Country Dancing on Tuesday Nights), and showed me that there where a lot of people just like me that loved life.
I recently went to the Golden State Gay Rodeo and worked it as an Ambulance Tech, and again met many people who loved life. So, with the support of my friend Melissa I have decided to come out of my shell and start loving life instead of hating it every day.
Prayers for Bobby
I recently read a book Prayers for Bobby I could only read a page at a time without taking a break to clear my eyes, but it told me so much about myself, and others, and it made me want to yell, "here I am, can't you see me!"
I told my sister (11 months my younger) last night that I was gay, she smiled, and told me that she knew, and then laughed and asked how I was going to tell mom and dad. I asked if she would do it, and her reply was, "Hell no - I want to be out of town when you do..." My father has reduced his drinking considerably, and now only gets drunk once a week (usually on weekends). My sister suggests I tell my mother first, she is very loving, and has tried to cover for my father several times. I think she will have a simular reaction as my sister did, but the hard one is going to be my father. I ask that if any of you have had a simular life story please turn to the last page and tell me how it ends... I am very interested in how you told your mother or father, and also very interested in their reaction and how the parents felt.
Thanks for your time, Dan
Return to the main story
Return to the pflag-talk support page
Return to the pflag-talk home page