Responses to Dan's 1st Message
Editor's note: Dan posted his first message on Friday morning, June7. By Saturday evening he had received 40 responses. Most were sent privately. Some were posted to the list. These clips show a sampling of the responses. Maggie Heineman
Wendy-- 7 Jun 1996 13:23:10 -0500
I wish I could tell you that there was an easy way...
My parents are not abusive - they are generally very sweet people, so my story may not apply, I waited for my tax refund from the government, bought all the fixins' for a fantastic picnic, took them to a park by the Mississippi and told them that I had met someone who made me very happy and SHE and I were a couple. Then they had a few questions and mom said she'd already guessed,mostly they were very very very quiet. I told them I thought they probably needed time to process things, so I took off for a hotel room suite which I had reserved, complete with a pool, sauna and complementary breakfast. I invited friends to come over and bond with me and hear how it went. We ate food and drank wine and had a great time.
In general, the coming out was easy. The hard part is dealing with it after it's out in the open. There are several good books out there. Just wander into a GLBT bookstore (well, actually even Barnes and Noble has a decent selection) and take a look at the shelves.
I always am nervous when people come out to abusive parents, or parents who are alcoholics or drug abusers. I always wonder why they are doing it and if it is truly worth any physical and mental harm they may risk. I'm sure other people would have words of wisdom about this. Please be careful with yourself. Take along someone if you need to. Make sure your sister IS in town that day, have numbers for yourself or your Mom to call if your Dad gets abusive. You might also want to have numbers for counselors in case you or your mom or sister needs to find a therapist to talk with (sounds like that's the last thing Dad will be interested in doing). Be prepared to be financially and emotionally independent. Find a place to stay that night in case you need it. Make sure you take care of yourself. If coming out is one part of taking care of who you are, then my blessings to you and wishes for the easiest coming out that is possible for you. Let us know what happens... Wendy
Hello Dan,
I really feel for you. I am 26 years old and came out to my parents 3 years ago.
My parents are very loving understanding individuals, and we have a great relationship, always have. I was very nervous about telling my parents and kept putting off telling them. I wanted to tell them durring the summers when i was at home between college terms. I always chickened out, deciding the time was not right.
I told my parents several months later, after I had been featured in a paper and needed to tell them before they heard from someone else. I drove home 5 hrs on a week day and sprang the news. I thought my parents biggest reaction would be why hadn't I told them earlier.
I was wrong, the news really shocked my parents tremendously. My mother was only able to affirm their love, and tell me not to get AIDS and my dad was silent. That was all of the conversation we had that visit. I went home the next morning without a word. Both of my parents left very early to avoid me. My mother came around quickly, she talked to everyone she new or met about it until she felt comfortable.
My dad went through the whole range of motions, including having ex-gay literature sent to me and suggesting counseling to cure me. I was lucky to be back at school and have help of my sister, aunt, and P-FLAG, who talked to my parents and helped them to understand and accept.
I had a couple of strained phone calls, one where my dad told me to drop out of college and get a job at a fast food place before anyone found out Iwas gay. After a week or to my dad called and we had a few very enlightning conversations, which changed him forever.
I am usually the one advocating coming out to people, however I recommend caution Dan.
Your father may react very strongly to your coming out. You need to be prepared for this possibility. I suggest telling your mother first and then going by her advice as to when you should tell your father. Do not out yourself until you are in a position to be independent from your parents emotionally and financially. When you tell them have plans ready, such as crises numbers in case thinks get violent and places to stay for a few days or longer. You do not have to tell anyone before you are ready. When you do tell your parents be prepared for your parents to go through a lot of emotions. You are going to have to let them do this and help support them through the process. For a time you may not be able to get emotional support from your parents, as they will have a lot to deal with. p-flag parents were a great help to my parents. I had arranged for them to call my parents a few days after I came out. This gave my parents a chance to talk with other parents. Your dad may not be willing to talk with others though.
Good luck Dan. Remember that everyone here on the list is here for you. If you need to talk feel free to e-mail or call me.
Rick--Fri, 7 Jun 1996 15:06:20 -0400
Dan, no one knows how it ends! We're all in process and progress (hopefully!) until the very end. But I can tell you that future chapters can be wonderful. Living an honest, open life is a reward in and of itself! Not to mention the opportunities that will come your way because of it! As one who has recently come out to my parents, I can tell you it can be a rocky road. It's going to be even harder for you under the same roof. Even under the best of circumstances, there are always going to be issues that not everyone agrees on. Sounds like you may have a rough time with your Dad. My prayers go out to you and your family. I posted a pretty lengthy intro to pflag-talk some time ago. I'll send you a copy privately and not put the whole list through it again!
Rick
Houston
Dave-- Date: Fri, 07 Jun 1996 21:19:13 +0000
Dan,
I'll echo the previous concerns that if you decide to come out, plan to take care of yourself and prepare for the worst. Coming out to parents can be a role-reversal. You may have to take care of them for a while and it may be difficult. When I came out to my parents, I had graduated from college, was debt-free and living on my own. Before I came out I was close to my parents. We talked each week and I went home fairly often. I didn't have some of the other concerns as you do.
I wrote my parents a letter (partly because I was living in a different city, partly because I wanted to be very careful about how I told them and partly because I felt it would be easier for everyone involved.) In my letter I gave them the number for P-FLAG and phone numbers of two adult friends that my parents knew that my parents could talk to. (-email me if you'd like a copy.) They called two of the three numbers that day and were grateful that I'd provided them these supports.
For a while, they felt comfortable talking to my friend before they felt comfortable talking to me. That week I made several friends promise to call and check up on me each day. My friend Brian drove home with me for my first meeting with my parents after I came out because I was afraid I'd be too emotional to drive home safely. I had a great network of wonderful friends to help me through it. I felt a little guilty for "whining" to them but looking back I think they were glad to have the opportunity to really help a friend in need and I was not as whiny as I thought.
My parents were shocked and grieved by my news. They worried about my safety, my happiness, and job security as well as grieving over the grandchildren and wedding I would never provide them, my falling out with the Catholic church, guilt for somehow causing me to be gay--reactions many parents have. Mom cried herself to sleep for a week. Dad walked around in a forgetful haze. They told me it was like the week my grandpa died a year before.
For all my worry- (I even made backup plans for Christmas in case they cut me off completely) my parents' reaction was not as bad as I feared. Three years have gone by, this month they will be marching with me in the Chicago gay pride parade. I'll reiterate that the coming out was easy compared to redefining my relationship to my parents after coming out. On my end, it had seemed the process was over when the letter was sent, while for my parents, their coming out was just beginning. You probably have heard and read here many stories of parents who were not supportive or took much longer to come around. I am glad I came out, but only you can judge what's best for your situation. I urge you to be careful. Best of luck for whatever you decide.
Dave
Bill-- Date: Sat, 8 Jun 1996 02:37:11 -0400
Dear Dan,
May I add a bit to your dilemna. The responses you've received have given you a lot of good advice. Notice, however, that they all contain words of caution. Your Dad is a sick man. I guess only a person who has suffered from alchoholism will really understand him. I know many people who have overcome substance abuse and living great lives today.
We have not "walked in his shoes" and therefore could easily be critical. However, that doesn't change the nature of your problem. You have big obstacles.....your father's drinking, your lack of financial independence at this time, and your living at home.
So please go slowly. Try to get your independence first. Then share youself with your mother. In time, and I think that you and your mother and sister will know when (and if) it is time to share yourself with him. Meanwhile, love your Dad as you would love him if he were sick with cancer or something else. He is sick and the sickness is what allows him to speak as he does. Above all, have close friends who love you for yourself around you before you make any final decision, For what it may be worth to you, since I don't know your background, I will keep you and your dreams in my heart and prayers,
Love, prayers and hugs.
Bill
Jim Bilbrey--Sat, 08 Jun 1996 16:59:29 -0400
Hello Dan,
From your letter I perceive a bright, intuitive man faced with a virtually impossible situation. My heart goes out to you. Your situation is extremely difficult, and made more so by your father's addiction. If he were only a homophobe, or only an alcoholic, the variables would decrease dramatically, but since he is both, and you've already heard him ranting and bashing gay folks, my God, you've got your hands full.
You said that you had a lot of your new subscriptions to The Advocate, and Out, and stuff like that mailed to the home where your folks live? I get the Advocate, and they wrap it discreetly. Don't count on that to announce your orientation. If I were you I'd be afraid to come out to my dad.
On the other hand, I've seen folks ranting and raving about an issue suddenly shocked into silence when it appears in their face. If you were to tell your dad to his face that you are gay, would he blow up, or fizzle out? But, I am chicken enough that I'd probably do it in a long-distance letter. I wouldn't want to be there when "it" hits the fan. but, will you be risking your chance to live with them for the summer, which you said you need to do for financial reasons.
Okay, I've been thinking out loud, and would suggest that you not come out to him. I'm saying that for your financial security (he might toss you out of the house) and for your physical safety (he things gays should be shot). Forgive me if I am giving bad advice, but it's just a gut feeling. I hope lots of other folks answer your letter, because most advice I read on pft is better than mine.
Anyway, my prayers and kind thoughts are with you Dan. God bless you
. ...Jim Bilbrey
Editor's note. Jim is neither gay nor a parent. He is a friend. This is his .sig:
HERE ARE 3 EXCELLENT WEB SITES FOR YOU TO CRUISE:
http://www.critpath.org/pflag-talk/
(PFLAG-Talk Home Page)
Interfaith Working Group
http://www2.hsonline.net/homepages/toby.html
(Jim Bilbrey's Care Page)
Return to Dan's story
Return to the pflag-talk support page
Return to the pflag-talk home page