June 23, 1996--Dan's 5th Message
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Date: Sun, 23 Jun 1996 13:13:35 -0700
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
From: Dan
Subject: The evil look
Sender: owner-pflag-talk@vector.casti.com
Well, the last week has been very tense, very nerve racking, very awkward at home with my parents. I didn't know why, all I knew was that I had seen a change, one that made me nervous, one that left me with more questions, then answers. Last Tuesday, I got all dressed up (actually impressed a lot of people this time!!! :-) and started to leave. My father asked where I was going, I replied, "To the bay area, to go dancing..." He gave me the most evil look I had ever seen. I didn't know what that ment, I thought that maybe he was disgusted because I was going to the bay area, but today I found out why his eyes were red, and what the evil look was all about.
I was in the computer room reading all of my E-mail when I got a call from Loranie (SF GAY PRIDE MEDICAL COORDINATOR) She was giving me my assignments for the parade on this coming Sat. and Sunday. My mother came into the room, and this is what I discovered:
I told my mother, "I will not be here next weekend, I will be in SF"
I knew that she would ask why, and I thought that maybe this would open the lines of communication that I wanted, sure enough she asked...
I told her that I had volunteered to work at the SF Gay Pride Parade.
She sat down, and asked, "When are you going to speak to your father?"
I told her that I would do it soon. I didn't want to tell her that I was intending on moving out first, so I simply said that I needed to do some other things first.
She then looked at me, with tears in her eyes and said, "I told him last Tuesday, I thought that it might be easier on you."
I was stunned, stunned that the same women who sat there speechless, who hadn't spoken to me about it, who was afraid to tell him just a week earlier had told my secret. I gathered myself. I felt a little betrayed, a little bewildered, a little nausous, after all he had known for a week, and hadn't said anything. I had been talking with him about the issues, had been very obvious, and nothing. But now I am being told he knows... Oh God, what do I do now??? Well, the answer came, "What did he say, what was his reaction???"
My mother told me that he was very upset. "Your dads main concern was that the family name ends here. He wanted you to have a kid, so that you could carry on his name. I had told him that you could adopt, that a lot of gay, and les. couples adopt kids, but he said that it wasn't blood, and that the suggestion of adoption actually made him mad."
I was actually kinda impressed, mom knew a little bit, who has she been talking to?
She continued, "I asked your dad what we should do, if he wanted to kick you out?" Moms reply comforted me a little, "He said no, we can't kick him out."
Mom continued, "He mentioned Debbie to me, and wants to know why you are so sure that you are gay, and not Bi., he wants to make sure that you are sure about yourself."
I know that I am not Bi, but I began to think, if it makes it easier should I follow that thread, and then just tell him that I am gay as he adjusts to this step??? So I asked mom, "Whats the difference, would it be easier for him if I was Bi?"
She replied, "It would mean that he has a chance to have a grandson with his name. I think he would be able to handle it a little better."
I sat there, in shock yet again, (it seems to happen every time I talk with anyone in my family about my being gay) I didn't know what to say. It made me feel a little more comfortable that he knows, but uncomfortable that he dosn't accept it for what it is. It also made me wonder that if I say I am bi, what was the point in telling them in the first place. It's another lie, but can it help them to adjust to the truth?
Mom got up because she had a phone call. I could tell that she was done telling me what she needed to, and I think that she was releaved that the phone was for her.
At this point as I type this I am so sick. My stomach feels terrible, my head is pounding, and my joints are aching, this isn't right, I was supposed to work up the courage to tell him, not my mother... Now I have to be able to answer his questions, and I was not prepared to do that right now. Man-o-Man I need to do something and relax, it's not that big of a deal, so what he knows, I was going to tell him anyway...!!!
Now, I must face the inevitable, I must go and speak to him about this, I can't wait and let it fester in him. Then again, if I do let it fester maybe he will be more organized, and more understanding...
I did ask mom if dad had gone out an got drunk after she told him.
Her reply... "Funny thing is that he hasn't drank at all since I told him."
Sorry, I must close now, and go relax - I will write more later,
With love, and respect,
Dan
"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, I just don't always agree with them." -President George Bush
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