Date: Fri, 29 Nov 1996 22:16:10 -0500
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
From: "Alexander T. Knapp" <atknapp@clark.net>
Subject: Sign on Wall - "Hit Head Here - X"
Dear P-FLAGgers,
Greetings from Washington, D.C. and a happy Thanksgiving to all of you!
I've just gotten past the 'panic-spending' phase of moving into the new house, an adventure of proportions of which I had never dreamed. While certain corners (and entire rooms) stand empty or host the token piece of furniture, the place is functional now, and every bit as beautiful as I'd expected and hoped.
Thanksgiving is also now past, the first in five years that I've spent with my family. Also the first since they found out that I was gay four years ago. I'd been harboring a hope that thing would slowly improve for us after all that time, and perhaps after I sent them a book for parents of gays ("Straight Parents, Gay Children: Keeping Families Together" by Robert A. Bernstein) and letter expressing my hope that we could work to be more of a family. I'd also hoped that we might begin to talk a little bit about something other than my job, university or other polite downtown topics.
In the four weeks after sending the book, all communications between my parents and I stopped. Eventually, I added a "Hey, did you folks get a book from me a couple of weeks ago?" to the end of one of my E-mails, to which I eventually received a terse "Yes, we received it" response.
Thanksgiving was however, neutral to the point of stagnancy. My parents didn't mention the book at all, nor the letter. The issue of homosexuality aside, I tried to bring up some of my more mundane problems with moving in, worries about meeting people or apprehensions about 'settling down' after such a long time moving around the world - and neither of them seem particularly impressed.
They couldn't tell you where I work now, my home phone number, much less how many dates I've had in the past year. I've talked, and explained and told them about so many different things, but nothing about me seems to interest them at all. It's almost as if being part of my life would bring down the foundations of thiers.
And so I sit here and wonder what good it is at all to batter my head against this wall. I can't think of what more I can do to make them proud of me or what I've done to make them ashamed. I'm now completely independent of them in all practical ways, and find that now is when I want their support, respect and friendship most. And yet, I'm completely dumbfounded as to what to do or say. What's worse and downright sad is that I find myself caring less and less. I simply don't have the energy or the hope any more like I used to. I found myself sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table wishing that I were with someone who cared for me, just as I am and how I want to be, and knowing that it wasn't my own family.
I was so glad to come home this evening - to my home, here in D.C. It's a safe place, a sacred place that welcomes *me* and will not be desecrated by anyone who doesn't do the same, including my parents. At the same time, the last thing that I want to do is build barriers against them. But I cannot stand to be caught up in that alternate reality that they are drowning in and that I CANNOT break.
My mother gave me a housewarming card last night. The cover reads "Congratulations on your new home!" Inside it reads "What a great reminder of all the wonderful ways God provides." and "...He blesses the home of the righteous. Proverbs 3:33"
Similarly, she was thrilled to hear that I was going to a church regularly down here. Thrilled that is until I told her that it was a Unitarian-Universalist Church.
As usual, my father had no comment.
I cannot fight that kind of all-invasive religion. I cannot fight a God. I cannot fight apathy or the fear of learning something new. I cannot teach shades of grey to a black and white facade of simple world imagined by parents who I can barely respect any more. So I'm going to unpack my boxes, and fill my new bookshelves, and go out and meet someone new, take Aikido classes, and go to the job that I really enjoy. I've still got a lot to be thankful for.
Regards to you all, it's nice to be back. Alex.
- Alexander T. Knapp atknapp@clark.net
At 06:35 AM 11/30/96 GMT, PFLAG Calgary wrote:
Oh Alex, I have several responses to your post, all heartfelt:. I am reminded of a saying a friend of mine used to use all the time: "I'll bead my head against a brick wall 99 times, but I absolutely REFUSE to go for 100!" Sounds like, in some ways, you've hit 99 and, as painful as it is, maybe you need to stop.
At 12:42 AM 11/30/96 -0500, DELANCER2@aol.com wrote:
Alex, After reading your post this evening, I began to think long and hard about what you are facing with your family. I could not help but be moved and hold a special place in my heart for you. I can honestly understand and empathize with you about the feelings, although my circumstances were different. When you grow weary of bashing into the wall, stop. Simple as that. One day you realize it hurts, and it doesn't change a thing. I should know, it happened that way for me. I won't get into the details of the event, but the feelings were the same, I was trying so hard to please, to make them proud of me, to show them that I am a good person, and I was capable of making good choices and using common sense. To no avail. Talking, crying, begging, rationalizing, logic, open lines of communication, all in vain.
Then I met some beautiful people. A gay man and a bisexual woman, and they gave to me, without any expectations or strings, unconditional love of me, for who I am. I was accepted, adopted, made welcome by them and their friends. The circle grew, many new faces joined our little surrogate family, until we were a powerful force of love and acceptance. Now I have a family, one who is proud of me, whether I succeed or not, without me having to try to lease anyone. They are pleased that I am alive, and happy, and that I am the good, warm-hearted person I am. They love me, support me, cry and laugh with me, everything a family is supposed to do, only none of us are blood-related. There is a ridiculous old saying that goes "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." Nothing could be further from the truth, family is the ones who love, nurture, support, and understand you, and I would love to have you in my family. You are a beautiful, gifted, intelligent, loving person, and I am *Damn* proud of you!
With warmest regards and sincerest love, Tanya Y. Snyder
At 09:36 PM 11/29/96 -0800, Gabi Clayton wrote:
Dear Alex,
I wept as I read your letter. I don't weep easy, either.
I wept from reading about your yesterday and remembering mine. For me and Alec and Noel and Catherine - who did our second Thanksgiving without Bill. For yesterday in the late afternoon when I sat in a movie theater and watched the credits roll at the end of the latest Star Trek movie - when I suddenly realized that it was the first one I've seen without Bill. My tears rolled with the credits.
It's not fair. I would have done anything to have my sweet imp of a child with me - yesterday or any day. But it is never to be so. And they have you - wanting them - hoping for what they will not give. I cannot imagine them NOT being impressed and proud of you. In the time we have shared this p-flag space I have been, as have others here. Please remember that, and let us be family for each other.
With all my love, Gabi
At 12:48 AM 11/30/96 -0500, LnFing504@aol.com wrote: Alex,
It takes time (and, unfortunately, for some, things never change).
Laura & I & my parents spent this weekend with my brother & his family. Since Chanukah is so early this year I brought up our Chanukah gifts. Now, I've been through the ice age of coming out (the ice shower anytime I mentioned anything gay) & I think my folks (esp. Mom) blamed my first lover, in part, for me being gay (she knows better now), & I know Mom thinks Laura has been a good influence on me (not long after meeting Lori I switched jobs & started wearing pantyhose & dresses/skirts & a little makeup). Lori is very accepted in my family. This year, for the first time, after receiving his Chanukah gift, Dad got up saying "I have to thank my daughters." & gave Lori & I big hugs. It's the first time that I've heard him refer to Lori as daughter. We've been together 15 yr. My folks have come a long way.
So, I think that's a long way of saying there may be hope. I wish you all the best in *your* home. May it always provide you with peace and sanctuary. Ellen Fingerman
At 06:35 PM 11/30/96 -0800, nomad@netrover.com wrote:
Alex, I am so sad for you - you sound like you might be the same age as our gay son who just turned 34. We are so proud of him and in the last couple of months, he has also come out to his grandparents who are 77 and 74 and they have also been totally supportive. I really don't know what else you can do except move on with your life sad as that may be because this situation is going to drag you down and make you absolutely miserable.
It's totally beyond my comprehension how parents can react that way to a child and turn their backs on someone they have nurtured and loved for so long. Maybe if you do cut the ties they will make their way back to you eventually in their own time and in their own way. You are a wonderful, positive, worthwhile human being and you deserve to be loved if not by your parents, hopefully by a warm circle of friends or a very special someone that I hope you will very soon find.
In the meantime, I am most willing to be a surrogate "mom" to any of you out there who might need support. I already have five kids of my own, and three other "surrogate" sons, one in England and two in Mexico so I have lots of room in my heart for you, too! Hugs from Pat in southern Ontario.
At 11:09 PM 11/30/96 -0500, PaulPOD@aol.com wrote:
Alex, I can relate to alot of what you said. (Responders to Alex in PFLAGland: thanks! I gleaned alot from your responses.) I just returned from Thanksgiving with the family (my "adoptive" Christian family; people who I met ten years ago while working in their city, who adopted me as a son), and I feel like I've been in a fencing tournament: stab and pare' with Mom.
Quick background: They've known I'm gay for about six years, but it was "ok" because "Paul's praying about it", and "God's gonna hear our prayers, change him and make him straight." Typical story: fundamentalist family can't accept gay son for who he is. Yada yada yada . . . . .
I don't know. Just when I think I'm making headway with them, their understanding and their acceptance, then things suddenly take a giant leap backwards. At times we have short, sudden bursts of open discussion (last night we were watching the Ice (skating) Wars, and Mom was asking me who of the male skaters I thought was gay), then it's back to who's going to hell and who's not. ("Gee, Brian Boitano SEEMED like such a nice young man!") THRUST AND PARE' ! However, Mom did actually say at one point in the conversation, "You're gay and so ....." Some level of acknowledgement there. At least she's willing to accept that I truly am gay, and not that I'm just mislead about myself. She still thinks I'm making conscious choices and thus I'm choosing to be in sin. My salvation is still in question in her mind, even though I have accepted Christ and still hold to that promise. (Where do "religious" people get off thinking THEIR personal interpretation of salvation is THE ONE??)
<< I'd also hoped that we might begin to talk a little bit about something other than my job, university or other polite downtown topics.- Alex>> Must be a universal technique. Things are fine with the family and "those issues" aren't issues as long as we don't have to talk about them. They aren't very confrontational, esp. when they don't win the fight. << What's worse and downright sad is that I find myself caring less and less. I simply don't have the energy or the hope any more like I used to. >> I'm getting pretty tired too, Alex. But I just can't give up yet. I refuse to let ignorance win, esp. when it's religious igorance!
I brought PFLAG's Positive Image and Mel White's Letter of Intolerance videos to share with them. However, we never got to it (Mom was deeply into decorating the house for Christmas; a distraction?). I left them and ask her and Dad to view them before I come back at Christmas. I also asked her to read Prayers for Bobby, but she excused it saying she had so much else to read around (in fairness, they have read one other book I left them). I dont' want every interaction, whether face to face, phone, or letter, to be confrontational, but I just can't, in good conscious, leave them in their ignorance. Perhaps tolerance is all I"ll ever get, but the dream for full acceptance is hard to give up. I've come a long way in not depending so much on others for my "okayness", but I still get stuck on the occasional hook. :{ Do we ever totally detach from our parent figures, and our childlike need for acceptance??
Hang in there, Alex! I know no one can truly take our parents place, but these PFLAGers are an awfully close second! :) Healing from loving but stinging stab wounds, Paul
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