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From: BNelson954@aol.com
Date: Sun, 13 Jul 1997 21:08:07 -0400 (EDT)
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
Subject: Update to the Life of BJ
Hello again All,
Just thought I would drop a note and let everyone know that I am doing OK. Have been very busy since my last posting.
Alot has happened. As you all know I threatened to cut my parents and family off after the latest "Clash of the Family". Well in its own little way it worked. My parents, in thier own sick, twisted, Mormon way are now acceptive of me. Yes, we even talked on the phone earlier this week, yet, I am still causious when it come to them. The trust level between I and the family is still low. And I still have a feeling that they have a different agenda still in store for me.
The good news is that I just switched back into my career, new job, and this job allowes me to travel all over the country, installing and training employees of companiew on the computer systems. The bad news, in regards to the car, it is still up at my parents house and they sent me the title to thier car as a "gift", so now I still have the demonic car from hell and have to live with it for a bit longer.
Take care
BJ
Hi, PFLAG-Talkers!
I'm Ron, a.k.a. Barefoot Ron, and I identify myself alternately as gay or queer or whatever suits my mood at the time. We've had discussion on this list of the use of the word "queer", and I don't want to open that can of worms again. Let's just say that I am comfortable with the word and consider it more inclusive than any word that describes my group identity. It's easier than typing "gay, lesbian, bi, trans, questioning, and those who accept and/or love the above, and those who consider themselves outside the mainstream, whatever that means, and want to meet somebody who accepts them for what they are, whatever they are". So pardon my use of the word "queer", if it offends you, and pardon my laziness in my use of the term. <grin>
I just turned 42 years old and have been out to myself since age 19. Out to the world, a little at a time, ever since. I came out to my mother by accident, when she caught me in a lie. Well, I was out on a date, but it was with Paul, not Jan (who called Mom while I was supposedly out with her). Mom waited up and asked where I really was. I told her to sit down, and she said she didn't need to. I told her to sit down again, but she still declined. Then I told her I was gay and, fortunately, caught her and eased her into a chair as her knees gave way. She didn't believe me at first and sent me to a psychiatrist for a second opinion. In our first session, he said he was about as sure as I was that I was gay, but we found a few other self-esteem issues to work through for the rest of the summer. This was very useful to me and helped him put his kids through college.
My Dad and I never discussed my queerness, but I'm sure he knew. I can even pinpoint the day he figured it out. It was the day that he stopped telling queer jokes and stopped laughing at them when told in my presence. I'm sorry that he died so young and he never got to know me not only as his son, but in my new self-identity. He was always proud of me, and I think he would have been even prouder, had he known the whole me.
Mom and I are great friends, and she has become a very accepting, supportive mother. She's 84 now, and she never misses an opportunity to share her love of her son, especially when somebody says something disparaging about queerfolk. We went together to our first PFLAG meeting earlier this year near her former home in Southern Maryland, and she just loved it. They loved her, too, and treated her as Queen for a Day. (I'll leave it to others to complete the joke.)
I got politically involved early on by trying to found a gay association at my alma mater, Lafayette College, in Easton, PA. Poor old conservative Lafayette wasn't ready for this, so I broadened my scope and co-founded the Lehigh Valley Student Gay Alliance. Our meetings were more social than political, but it was a step forward for 1974. We marched in several Pride parades in NYC, and I'm proud of my involvement at this stage of the gay movement.
Over the years, I've been only moderately involved in political organizations, preferring the grassroots approach. I don't fit too many gay stereotypes, and I like to let people get to know me and like me and then let them know that I'm gay. Maybe they'll reconsider their own preconceptions. I also wear gay symbols whenever I can, and my car wears a rainbow flag in it's back window. It's my opinion that we best express our strength by being visible, letting people know that we are all kinds of people and that we're everywhere.
I'm openly gay at work, and that has rarely been problematic. I'm sure that some people are bothered by this, including some of my subordinates, but they seem to cope with it fairly well. I don't make a big deal of it, but I do use pronouns when discussing my private life, just as they do.
I live just outside Washington, DC, in Arlington, VA, just ten minutes from the seat of government, but in a neighborhood that is very quiet and friendly. I love spending time in the gay ghetto of Dupont Circle, but the city is generally pretty gay friendly, in general. Except, maybe, the seat of government itself. <sigh>
I'm a member of PFLAG, but not very active. Mom and I joined the Southern Maryland chapter to lend support to a fledgling chapter in an area that NEEDS to have a PFLAG chapter. Until last year, my only knowledge of PFLAG was that group of wonderful friends and family who marched with their gay sons, daughters, and friends in the DC Pride parade and made me weep with joy and applaud in appreciation. When the Names Project quilt was in DC, my friends Jim and Dave from Illinois took me to a PFLAG-Talk party, where I met Steve B., Jason H., Deb from Calgary, Nancy the daffodil lady, and others well known to this list. It was love at first sight, and I immediately joined PFLAG-Talk. This virtual PFLAG group has been an important part of my life ever since. I have made many friends through this group, some of whom I've met face to face, and it is always a thrill to put a face to a person's writing.
One of my best buddies is PFLAG Southern Maryland founder Deb Lopitz, and we have gone through a lot together this year. One of the proudest moments in my life was stepping off (barefoot, of course) in this year's DC Pride parade, carrying the PFLAG Southern Maryland banner with Deb, and feeling the love of everybody we passed on the parade route. Everybody loves PFLAG, and that love is best felt by marching behind the PFLAG banner in a Pride parade. Try it sometime, and you'll see what I mean.
Thanks for reading this long-winded intro. I could write so much more, but I won't. I'll stop here and look forward to hearing from others on the list. As Steve B. says, PFLAG-Talk is about love, and, as Nancy the daffodil lady says, you always have a home in PFLAG. I'm glad I've found this home. And I'm glad you have, too.
Hugs to all, Barefoot Ron
( ron@Youth-Guard.org )
Are you kind?
Listowner: PFLAG-Discuss
List Assistant: PFLAG-Talk
Member: PFLAG/DC Metro
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 1997 21:14:46 -0400
(EDT)
From: Brian Griffith <rug@spoon.lib.muohio.edu>
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
Subject: INTRO: Brian Griffith
Alright, I'm hoping on this intro bandwagon and writing one for myself.
Ok, I'm Brian Griffith. I'm a 16 year old gay male living in the panhandle of Nebraska which is somewhat similar to the 5th circle of hell. I have been out to myself since I was 11. I say this because this was the when I realized what the feelings and emotions I had been having ever since preschool were called. At the age of 14 I was thrusted out of the closet by someone who I tought was a family friend. Now I'm out to all of my friends, my parents and Forensics Coach.
I guess I could go into how I was outed. I had just come out to my best friend Sarah. That went wonderfully, and then she told her mom for me. Her mother runs ALLIES, the GLBT organization at Chadron State College. So, her mom invited me to attend a meeting to kinda celebrate the giant step I had made in telling her daughter. So I went and someone showed up who wasn't supposed to be there. A friend of my parents. She swore to me that she wuldn't tell my parents and my secret was safe with her. The next day Kathy (Sarah's mom) took me aside and told me that <A> I couldn't attend any more ALLIES meetings because I was a minor and some people had informed the President of CSC a minor had attened a meeting and <B> Mary Ellen (The "Friend") had decided she was going to tell my parents I was gay if I didn't do it in 3 days. So, an hour later, after getting Kathy's permission to move in with them if things went poorly I went home and sat my parents down. I told them flat out and they told me flat out "We know." They knew without anyone having to tell them, which blew my socks off. Then they told me they loved me no matter what and accepted me fully. My mom did do her "maybe it's a phaze" denial thing, but that lasted all of two days. Now we talk about cute guys together ;) My father took a diplomatic approach and accepts me in his own loving fashion.
Ok, now that that long spammy thing is over I'll just touch on how I got on PFLAG-Talk :) I was introduced to PFT by Maggie H. back in December or January or so. I had written to her after visiting the Chadron Project homepage she had setup. I wrote to her to say that the stories Matt Mcneil had told her of the disgustingly high level of intolerance in this town were no joke, and that going to high school was an almost daily torture chamber in many of my classes. She published my letter on the page and a poem I wrote. Then she told me about this lovely list and I have felt supported and entertained by PFT ever since :)
Currently I am awaiting starting my Junior year of High School with some apprehension. I'm happy that another class has graduated leaving the school with a lot less bigots, but I'm sadened by the fact another class is coming in at the Freshmen level ready to label me as "The Red Headed GayGuy." Next year I will be increadibly busy as I was voted Treasurer of The Forensics Squad and Drum Major of our Marching Band. :) I will also be a senior Lawyer on the Mocktrial Squad. I'm also involved in the Drama Club and in the school Musical and One-Act productions. (Can anyone else say Drama Queer? ;)
Other than that I'm farely normal in the teenage sense :) Btw, my new homepage is up. http://spoon.lib.muohio.edu/~rug/home.html I haven't changed it in my .sig file so that I don't email someone who doesn't know I'm gay. That would be quite a shock :)
Hope this wasn't too boring.
-Bri
==============================================================================
Brian Griffith
Junior at Chadron High School
http://members.tripod.com/~theland/index.html
Other Email: shagmehard@hotmail.com
"All that you do not give is lost" -Ghandi
==============================================================================
From: "Mary Summers" <dtsummrs@groupz.net>
To: <pflagtlk@CritPath.Org>
Subject: Updated Intro
Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 22:16:58 -0400
Hi Y'all,
My name is Mary Summers. I'm 48, live near Augusta, Georgia and do most of my living in cyber-space ;-) now because of very severe systemic lupus erythematosus. I retired from my job as a V.A. Clinical Psychologist (Ph.D.) five years ago because of disability (I kept having seizures on the locked psychiatric ward, which is NOT a good place to be if you're unconscious, especially if you're the doc). Because of the lupus, I can't go outside when the sun is shining. My favorite place in the entire world is the Panama City beach, and I've warned the family that if I ever get told I'm terminal, I will be on the next plane down there and bask until I just bake away.
I live with my husband, Dan, who was also my ex-husband, Dan. We got married in 1976, had a few good years together and many not so good ones, got a divorce in 1989. I thought he was the most insensitive, dominating person I knew, and guess what, he thought I was. So after we divorced, we both dated other people, and we managed to hook up with the honest-to-God most insensitive, dominating people in the world. Also, we both got a lot of therapy. Dan's a recovering alcoholic, and I'm a recovering bitch. When our daughter got married six years ago, we fell in love with each other at the wedding. So, we shocked the kids and got married again.
We have three kids-- Wendy (our straight daughter) is married and has three adorable little boys and a new baby on the way (think pink, please). Daniel and Don (our sons) are both gay. Daniel just finished his junior year at a small Quaker college in the Carolinas, where he is a theatre/voice/ballet major and head of the GLBT resource center. He picked that college because it is very tolerant, and he gets more politically active each time I hear from him. He will study theatre in London for a semester this fall. Don dropped out of Homophobic High School a month ago, raced pellmell through the GED and SAT, with an eye to film/art school. The boys came out to each other in 1996, the summer before Daniel's freshman year, to me that fall, and to our rather enmeshed extended family soon after coming out to me.
I truthfully didn't see it coming. Now with hindsight, I don't know why I didn't. The people at Blockbusters saw it coming! The kids rented the following movies over the summer to watch with me...Tootsie; Victor/Victoria; Cabaret; the So Long Julie Newmar thing; the original Cages Aux Folles; Mrs. Doubtfire; The Birdcage; and Jeffrey. Do we see a pattern here, folks? Both boys are into drag, and occasionally I am known as Queens' Mum.
Like Gabi, I'm involved with PFLAG-talk as a mom and supporter/advocate person, not as a professional. However, I am now helping with responses to the PFLAG hotline, and I get so much personal reward from doing it that I wonder what I'd be doing if my guys weren't gay.
I'm also involved in other online groups, such as Common Bond and Ring of Friendship that include mothers of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and questioning kids, but could also be called "Stage Moms of the Future" because I swear all of our kids are into drama. Of course, my son Daniel has a theory about that-- he says when you're gay, you basically are an actor for much of your life before coming out-- you act your way through social situations, family reunions, etc. Personally, I think it's the fabulous costumes.
My hobbies include playing games on the computer, reading, and writing-- mostly humorous anecdotal stuff. My current goals are to (1) get a web page up and running, (2) stay out of bed for more than 3 hours at a time (Lupus makes you very fatigued), and (3) to publish-- not the dry scientific research I used to do, but things that people would enjoy reading.
I'm currently working on a book of gay-friendly jokes-- not the ones that put gays down, but the ones that gays and their friends/families enjoy telling amongst themselves. So, if anybody has a great gay story, e-mail me privately ;-).
Til later, Mary
Date: Mon, 14 Jul 1997 20:56:45 -0600
To: pflag-talk@vector.casti.com
From: Deb Bridge <pflag@canuck.com>
Subject: INTRO...LONG (of course)
Hi y'all...Deb in Canada here. Many of you here have already heard my "story," so for your benefit, as well as for the benefit of those who HAVEN'T heard it, I'll try to make it a little different this time!
I'm a 43-year-old str8 broad married to Rick. We have an 18-year-old son, Michael, our only child, who's gay and has been out with us since he was 13...M is my child by my first marriage, and so is actually Rick's STEPSON, though you'd never know it. Rick and I will have been married 12 years this December. Michael is the light of my life, an incredibly talented young man, who is a musician, a seamster (designs and sews his own clothes, including marvelous drag dresses), a makeup artist, a potter, and a maker of beautiful braided-and-woven leather floggers (whips...he's recently become interested in the Leather community!). He and I are very close, and always have been...we finish one another's sentences and often have the same dreams at night; it's eerie sometimes.
Michael just graduated from grade 12 from the National Ballet School (NBS) in Toronto last month, and I was fortunate to have flown there for the weekend to see "my baby" receive his diploma. NBS is a private school (grades 5 through 12) with attached residence that offers academic courses and professional dance training to about 120 full-time students. One gets in by audition, and it ain't easy. Michael was accepted into the full-time program in 1994 after only 18 months of studio dance training, and we were completely unprepared for his leaving home (especially me). Many in the dance community say that NBS provides the best professional dance training IN THE WORLD, and there are students there from Israel, Japan, China, the U.S., and other countries.
Right now, M is back at NBS for their ballet summer school, and he'll return to Calgary on July 27. He plans to go back to Toronto in September for a year in NBS's Intensive Dance Program, which is really like first-year university for dancers.
Quick geography lesson for all you "Murricans" who don't know much about Canada...Rick and I live in Calgary, Alberta, which is north of Montana and just east of the Rocky Mountains. Toronto is in Ontario, 3 provinces east and just north of Michigan. Provinces in Canada (there are 10) are MUCH bigger than states in the U.S....Texas would probably fit several times into Alberta. Calgary is a city of circa 850,000 which, area-wise, is like the third-largest city in the world or something...in other words, it's very, VERY spread out! Alberta is one of only two provinces that does NOT include sexual orientation in its human rights act; ironically, the FEDERAL government added sexual orientation to the country's human rights act in 1996, making Canada a little further ahead of the U.S. in that respect.
I taught myself how to surf the 'Net two summers ago and joined PFLAG-Talk as soon as I heard about it through some gay newsgroup. Rick and I weren't members of PFLAG Calgary at that time...we never had a problem accepting Michael and, like Gabi, thought PFLAG was more a group for parents who had problems accepting their gay kids. However, in February of 1996, mostly wanting to tell people about PFLAG-Talk and other wonders of the Web, we joined PFLAG Calgary and eventually hoped that our celebration of Michael might inspire other parents to celebrate their kids, too...or at least come to accept them more easily/quickly.
Rick and I quickly found kindred spirits in the chapter in Gail and Dave...Gail just subscribed to PFLAG-Talk a few days ago, so you'll get to read her intro soon, I'm sure.
So, I'm on PFLAG-Talk and we belong to PFLAG Calgary, and life went on. Rick and I became increasingly involved in "gaystuff" offline, met LOTS of great people, and I became closer and closer to my pflagtalkerchums, as Nancy (or Lammy) the daffodil lady in Chicago, calls us.
Last August, Laura in San Francisco wrote to 12 other "longtime" PFLAG-Talk moms and us if we'd like to be involved in a smaller discussion group. Thus, the "possumoms" were born...I'm the youngest <grin> and the only Canadian. We also call ourselves the "coven," because we were 13. We talked about who shaved her legs in the winter, what books we were reading, and Lammy regaled us with stories about her family and furkids; in other words, it's just a women's coffee klatch that doesn't revolve around discussing PFLAG or gaystuff. It's a tremendously enriching collection of women, and I am daily amazed that I am part of such an incredible group...
Also last August, PFLAG-Talkers and the possums were talking about who was going to the PFLAG conference in D.C. Rick and I are NOT rich, and even less so since our baby was yanked from the nest, so to speak, to attend NBS. So, I kept telling the coven "No...there's no way I can go to D.C." Then I got a message from Maggie saying something like "Your conference registration has been taken care of by the coven, and you're staying in my hotel room." I was bowled over.
Thanks also to Gail and Dave, who contributed to my plane ticket, I got on a plane in October and wound up at the PFLAG Conference in Washington, D.C.! There were 10 possums there, and numerous PFLAG-Talkers. It was an indescribably wonderful experience. I met Steve B. (and his mom & dad), our listowner. I met Maggie and Marie and Rhea and Barb and Nita and Lammy and Sue and Laura and Emily--possums all! I met Jason Hungerford, who became my "American son," and who is the owner of the Schools list and two other youthlists. I met Alex the diplomat, then stationed in Bosnia and landed in D.C. on a "fluke" when his bosses brought him home briefly. I met Barefoot Ron. I met many more...not just PFLAG-Talkers, not just PFLAGers. Amazing...
Gawd!!! For 2 weeks after I got home and was back at work, teaching English at the local community college, whenever I would see someone I knew in the halls, I'd want to run up and HUG them, cuz that's what I'd done in D.C. Gawd!! I hugged EVERYBODY, from PFLAGers to Harry the hotel security guy (Barb actually met him first, and he was a lifesaver on a couple of occasions!).
It was just after the conference that Lammy nicknamed me JUDSY, which stands for Jumping Up and Down, Squealing. Why? Because that's what I do when I get excited, and I was excited SO OFTEN in D.C., I could have burst!!
That was the biggest, bestest trip I've ever taken in my life. Don't ever, ever let anyone allow you to underestimate the strength of the bonds you form with people online!!! Here I was, a dumb str8 Canadian mom with a gay kid, being embraced by TOTAL STRANGERS who made my trip possible. Amazing...
So, I'm still a PFLAG-Talker, and now the only Canadian list assistant/helper. I am honored to be part of such a loving and supportive group, and more than willing to give something back to a group that's given so much to me. This is the best list in the world!!
I hope to meet even more of you this year in Orlando...I'm doing a workshop called "Parkas and Polar Bears: What's Happening in Canada?" I don't have it all planned yet, cause I'm waiting to hear from National Office about whether my scholarship application to have my conference registration fees covered has been approved. However, I hope to get there one way or another, and am REALLY looking forward to it!!
In the meantime, our life goes on in the offline gay community here in Calgary. I'm writing for a gay newspaper that publishes monthly, and am currently gathering info on gay adoption. Tomorrow, I'm attending a meeting of the Calgary Gay & Lesbian Community Police Liaison Committee, which Gail & I are both members of. I'm also looking forward to July 27, when M comes home and all three of us will attend the Mr. & Ms. Gay Calgary Pageant. Should be entertaining!
Well, this kind of assumed a life of its own once I got going. I didn't include much of the usual "intro info," but that's OK.
Love y'all!
Hugs...Deb/JUDSY in Canada
---------------------------------------------------------------
canuck.com - The best Internet address in Canada
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997
To: pflag-talk@vector.casti.com
From: tkurth2@gac.edu (Tracie
Kurth)
Subject: Tracie's intro and East Coast trip
Hi to all the new folk. My name is Tracie Kurth. I live in rural Minnesota and work at Gustavus Adolphus College in the fundraising department (until August 31 when I start a new position at ???????). Gustavus is also my alma mater (graduated in 1994 with a degree in philosophy and English). Like Barefoot Ron, I prefer the term queer because of its inclusiveness. I came out to myself during my junior year of college. I started sharing with friends two years ago and did my immediate family over the Xmas season. I am very involved in queer activities in the area. I am the program coordinator for the local PFLAG chapter, I speak on panels sponsored by the LGBT office at Mankato State University, I am (was) co-chairing a task force seeking domestic partner benefits from Gustavus, and I coordinate mailings for the gay alumni association. Because of my various activities, I am the unofficial resource person for students to contact if they need assistance. Since I wasn't out as a student and started coming out as an administrator, the last few years have been awkward to say the least.
Family: My mother is deceased (I never came out to her and although I wish she could have known about the whole me, I don't regret not telling her). My father is pretty much out of the picture. My older sister Kelly doesn't want to discuss the issue and has asked me not to say anything to her kids. Her husband has been great. My brother Neal and his fiance have also been wonderful. They have attended PFLAG social events. Anna told me to bring a date to the wedding (she told her parents I was gay and they have also been supportive). My younger sister Molly and her fiance are also supportive.
Relationships: I am currently in a relationship with a woman named Amy. She is charming, intelligent, beautiful. She lives three hours away so we don't see each other often (but she's coming to spend the weekend with me) <grin>.
A big THANK YOU goes out to Karen Hellstrom (pflag amherst) for showing me around when I was in for an interview at Smith College last week. She introduced me to lots of folks, told me about community relations, and in general was a great spokesperson for the glbt and allies community in the Northampton, Mass. area. The National office should contact Karen and ask her to be their poster girl for the Friend portion of pflag. Karen has enough gay pride to make up for those who haven't reached that level of self confidence. She also made this midwesterner feel right at home (dispelling rumors that folks on the east coast are snobs who think people in Minn. really talk like people in the movie Fargo). Greetings also to Ziggy (the lurker) -- sorry our schedules never connected. Hi to Char -- I hope you are feeling better.
While I was on the coast, I visited a friend in Boston. He gave me a whirlwind tour of Boston. We visited the Boston Holocaust memorial. It includes a section on queer victims. People had placed small stones with pink and black triangles around the memorial. A family visiting the memorial (mom, dad, kids and grandparents) were wondering about the significance of the stones. I approached them and gave a brief history lesson on how the triangles were similar to the yellow star for Jews. I explained how the triangle has become a symbol of pride in the queer community and is frequently worn as sign to combat invisiblity (Silence=Death). I also told them that when the camps were liberated, the gay prisoners were transfered to prisons and mental institutions instead of being freed with their fellow prisoners. The family thanked me for sharing. I also had a chance to meet several members of the Boston Gay Men's Chorus. My friend Tim sings with the chorus, and we attended a picnic with several other members.
Whew. Well, my lunch break is over. Back to work.
Tracie
P.S. If anyone knows of public relationships/writing positions at gay friendly corportations/nonprofits in the Midwest I'd be interested in learning about them.
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 15:19:14 -0500
From: Taylor Smith <taylors@ionet.net>
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
Subject: INTRO: Taylor Smith
I live in Oklahoma City with my third (and hopefully last) husband. I am blessed with two absolutely fabulous sons, one with each of first two husbands. I love them irrationally. I tell each of them they are my favorite son (copied from a Roseanne show). They know I say it to both of them and they also know it is absolutely true.
John, age 19, has just finished his freshman year at Oklahoma City University. His summer job is an internship with the manager of a band called Flaming Lips. He has pierced ears, eyebrow, and I never know what color his hair will be the next time I see him. Getting the picture? People who make the mistake of judging him by his appearance miss out on knowing an incredibly bright, sensitive, creative young man. The week before the Pride Parade when it seemed like every spare moment I was involved in PFLAG stuff, I suddenly realized we hadn't had much time for our usual talks. I asked him if it ever seemed like he would get more attention from me if he were gay or if it bothered him that I devote so much time and attention to PFLAG and GLBT issues or if I ever embarrass him by being so out. He said he thinks somebody needs to be taking a stand and he's glad his mom is one who is.
Jeff, age 28, (can he really be that old?) lives in Tulsa with his wonderful partner. They've been together about 3 years and are a delightful couple. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Jeff has always been much more mainstream than his younger brother in many ways. He was every teacher's favorite student. He was well-mannered, made good grades, followed the rules, would get all his work done early and volunteer to reorganize your bookshelves when he was done. He had a few steady girlfriends in high school, but I could always tell they were more interested than he was. We just didn't know why, yet.
Jeff first came out to me when he was 20. I remember wondering if perhaps he just thought he was gay because all of his friends were (hello?) and maybe he was just trying to fit in. I was so misinformed, uninformed, and scared. Learning Jeff was gay didn't change how I felt about him or how much I loved him, it just scared me to death. I was afraid of what he would have to face in his life--homophobia, hate crimes, prejudice, and that he might never have a stable, loving relationship. Like being heterosexual guarantees that, right? (See first paragraph and count husbands.) :)
The fear I experienced was caused by my own ignorance and that most of what I thought I knew about homosexuality came from myths and stereotypes perpetuated by our culture. The more I learned, the more comfortable and less afraid I became. So here I am growing in acceptance and understanding and Jeff's relationship ends and he decides he's not gay after all. What a letdown. He had a few years of confusion and struggling to accept himself, avoiding relationships altogether. We had always been close, but were even closer during this time of struggle for him. I longed for him to find himself and helped him find a counselor who might help. After a short time in counseling he became slightly distant and somewhat vague about his social life. I just knew he had met someone. When he called one day to say we needed to talk, I couldnât contain my excitement. I said I had a hunch, could I guess? I guessed he was in a relationship and his name was Matt. He thought I was psychic--no, Iâve just been around awhile and paid attention. He told me he knew he was gay and that that was the first time he had actually said it out loud. I am crying by now. What a gift--to have him share this with me. And what a relief to know that he was finally accepting himself. He and his partner came to visit for Motherâs Day the next weekend and it was the most special, meaningful Motherâs Day ever. Watch out if you see me coming. I always have lots of pictures of my guys, their beautiful home, their darling Yorkies......
Jeff told me about PFLAG in Tulsa and how much OKC needed an active chapter. Other things kept drawing me back to the idea, so last year, Jeff and I and 3 friends marched in the Pride Parade to announce the new chapter. We had our first meeting in October and continue to grow. This year we had over 20 people in the parade, two gloriously decorated vehicles, Bert and Ernie, and more fun than you can imagine! We have new people coming to every meeting and have a wonderful mix of parents, friends, gay men & lesbians. Our recent focus has been in getting the word out to the gay community that we are here for support for coming out, not just for their families. My involvement in PFLAG has been so exciting and rewarding. Having a gay son has blessed me in more ways than I can describe. I hope someday there wonât be a need for support for coming out--that acceptance will be no more of an issue than accepting that a child is heterosexual.
Had no idea this would be so long--please excuse.
Peace to you all, Taylor
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997
From: Shaun Marks <MARKSS@gw.lbcc.cc.or.us>
To: pflag-talk@vector.casti.com
Subject: Intro: Shaun Marks
Hello to everyone out there.
After reading all of the wonderfull intros, i thought that i would delurck and reintroduce myself. My name is Shaun Marks, and i have been a part of pflag-talk for 2 years now, although i have mostly lurked for the last year, do to hectic work schedule etc., i consider you all part of my family. I love to talk about my journey in discovering my identity, so this will be long.
I am a 27 y.o. single gay male living in a small town (Corvallis) in Oregon. I have been out to myself for several years. I come from very small conservative farming communities, and had a very diffucult time accepting my sexuality. I transfered from a junior college to Oregon State University in 1991. This was when Oregon was in the middle of a gay political debate led by Lon Mabon, and his conservative group The Oregon Citizens Alliance. Do to desperate political times, i blew the closet apart, comming out to myself, my friends and the world within weeks. I was on the front page of the school paper twice and the community paper twice before comming out to my parents.
I drove home from college durring the middle of the week and told my parents. I happened to pick a day when my parents had already had a lot of bad news. It was a very silent comming out. I told them that i was gay and they said they loved me. That was all that was said. After some time, and a lot of emotion, my parents came to understand and support me. Due in large part to pflag. I contacted their local pflag, and had them contact my parents.
I stayed very politically active fighting the OCA and being the college queer. Since then i have pulled back from politics, giving myself time to rest and heal, before going back to the front lines. I am teaching math at a local Community College. I am out to all my friends, coworkers and some of my students. I work on a consevative campus but have had no problems. I do find though that i am always the only person who gets a room to himself at conferences. I work for equality on campus, and am very political just being a good person and a great employee who is gay. I am the only gay friend most of my coworkers have ever known.
My parents live in a small community, so have to commute to pflag. My parents, grandmother and I belong to 2 pflags, one in Eastern Oregon, and one in Eastern Washington. They are great parents and good friends of mine. My parents are Primary care givers for my grandmother and consequently are very tied down, unable to go to pride parades, or pflag events.
My biggest advocate for gay rights though is my grandmother. My grandmother, an 89 year young methodist has decided that it is her mission to educate the public about homosexuality and teach love and acceptance. My grandmother is in failing health, but makes sure to talk to every nurse, health care worker, friend, visitor, EMT., hospital priest, whoever is in earshot, about glbt issues and discrimination. She reads every glbt book that i do. Her favorite for educating is "Prayers for Bobby". I am truly in awe of her and extremely moved by her love, acceptance and passion for me and my glbt friends. My parents have never had the intrest or time to attend gay events with me, but my grandmother and I have attended several gay parties and gatherings.
My sister is a wonderful bisexual woman who is living in Seattle now. She has been a great friend to me. My Aunt, Uncle and cousins are very homophobic and full of judgement, so we just do not communicate. I choose instead to love and embrace my small immediate family and my large family of choice.
My plans for the future are to implement a nondiscrimination clause and domestic partnership bennifits at work. To rejuvinate the campus queer group. And finally on a more personal and vaunerable side, to look for a steady relationship.
Thanks for listening
Shaun Marks
Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 23:41:25 -0700
From: Kat <sapphoskat@geocities.com>
To: pflag-talk <pflag-talk@casti.com>
Subject: Everybody's doing intros, so I guess I should too.
Hi, my name is Alitza Rueber, I like to read and write poetry, chat, wash and wax my car, grow plants, take care of my pets, and hang out with my girlfriend and other friends. Oh, and I'm gay. Okay, I like to do more than just the stuff I listed, but that's what I've enjoyed most recently. *smile*
Let's see, what else should I tell you?... I'm 19, living in Iowa (learned an interesting fact today; apparently, computers were originally invented in Iowa. neat, huh? *smile*), working at comp services on campus for the summer, don't have a major yet (almost everyone asks eventually, so save both of us the trouble), am also authoring the home page of Linn County Library Consortium (say that ten times fast! *grin*) as a side job (here's the addy, if anyone cares: http://www.lclc.org ), and am out to almost everyone that counts (and many who don't).
My girlfriend and I have been together more than eight months and are going strong. *huge happy smile* I love her, and she loves me, and every moment I'm with her makes me thank the holy being that I'm alive. *big smile*
If anyone has any questions about anything, feel free to ask. I hope I'm not missing anything direly important...
Anyway, talk to ya later.
Ciao, Alitza
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
From: croweian@ra.isisnet.com
(Ian D Crowe)
Subject: INTRO
Hi all: My names is Ian, I live in Halifax Nova Scotia Canada
I don't post very much, mainly because by the time I get around to a reply somebody else already said it better than me. The people on this list are simply a great bunch. The following is what I wrote in my first intro quite some time ago:
I'm 43 and came out late in life at age 40. I have a daughter,19 and three boys, 21, 17 and 14. I joined this list specifically to see if I could get some insight to the feelings that my children may be experiencing as communications have become virtually non-existent. As many of you will appreciate, I have a lot of guilt feelings (a nasty emotion). I'm currently madly in love( we are having a committment ceremony on June 21) and I"m high on life these days which us a big turnaround from where I was in 1993. If I could reconnect with my kids somehow I would consider it to be close to perfect.
As a secondary reason for subscribing, my mother died 14 years ago and my Father is 84 and , at most times not mentally competent. Regrets are not particularly useful but I do wish I had the courage to talk to them before it was too late. Again I thought perhaps this group might provide some insight.
Lastly, I have talked to many people in cyber space in the few months since I got hooked(up) and I know there are as many people who can benefit from my experiences as who can benefit me. It is a two way street.
As an update, Balon and I had our committment ceremony June 21. It was a wonderful day for us. We drove to Boston for our honeymoon (via Ogunquit Maine) and had a great old time although we each wore out our feet tramping around the city( I refuse to drive in big cities)
Hugs from Nova Scotia
Ian
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The only thing in the world I cannot tolerate is intolerance
With love,
Ian
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Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997
From: revhammett@lx.net
(revhammett)
To: "pflag-talk@casti.com" <pflag-talk@casti.com>
Subject: INTRO
Dear Plag-talk list,
I tend to be a lurker, but do write a note once in awhile. I thought that my notes were going to the whole list, but discovered that hitting the reply button sends the message to the sender not the list.
Now about myself: I am a sixty year old bivocational minister. I pastor an ecumenical church that is attended by mostly gay men and lesbian women. The church is located in the heart of super conservative West Texas. I am gay and have been in a relationship for the past twenty years to a wonderful man. I realized that I was gay back in fifties, long before Stonewall, Pflag, or any support was available. I went through a lot self hate, guilt trips, you name it. The two times that I dared to talk to a minister, I had my confidentiality broken, got kicked out of college and my church. I tried to change, but that failed and I'm now convinced that there are no ex-gays.
Eventually I found my way back to God (actually God was watching over me all the time) and the ministry that God called me. I won't go against the rules by talking about religion, but I would welcome email.
We don't have a local Pflag chapter yet, but hope to soon. I stay in touch with the local Pflag contact person and she occasionally sends someone to talk to me.
I am a member of the local AIDS consortium and provide information to the local AIDS provider on spiritual issues. At present I am writing an article for their newsletter on funerals (any input would be appreciated). I should have our web site complete in the next few days and will post it when it is online.
Sincerely,
Pastor Glenn E. Hammett
Holy Trinity Community Church
Midland, Texas 915-570-4822
From: Essd@aol.com
Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997
To: pflag-talk@casti.com
Subject: my intro!
I really do like the intros.........what a classy group of people.
Me......I am a bit different, but here goes anyway.
I lurk mainly. I read almost all of the postings, but I rarely reply, although I have done so privately. I lurk mainly because I am still trying to decide where I belong in all of the conversation (and I learn a lot!).
I am 57, straight female, divorced, no gay children. My sister-in-law's brother is gay and I suspect that my niece is bi. I have 3 grown children and raised another child. (very long story.....abused child left on my door-step) I have 4 blood grandchildren and 2 step grandchildren. The child that I raised has 2 children of her own now. So if the percentages hold true, I will probablly have a gay grandchild someday!
My oldest son committed suicide in December 1993 at the age of 33. As with most suicides, we do not know why.
I believe so strongly in human rights that supporting gays and the gay community just seems like the naturally right thing to do. And how fortunate I have been to have so many lesbigay friends! A few I would step in front of a moving bus for! My life is so rich because of my involvement with "family".
Living in a small (110,000), CONSERVATIVE, Southern Baptist community (we have the largest Southern Baptist University in the world) and working for Planned Parenthood has been a challenge, but one that I joyfully accept! I say let others take on cancer and heart disease.....I will take on the fun issues, reproductive health and gay rights!
This past spring I even took my 13 year old grandson to a Stop Hate Crimes march. I am on the board of our PFLAG Chapter, am a member of our Gay & Lesbian alliance, and am a charter member of our HIV/AIDS service organization. My one big goal was to bring the Quilt to town for a small display and we did it. Only it grew and grew until it was not so small.
I am often accused of being a lesbian, which I find ok, but what sets me off is the hate with which some people say it. I have protesters at my job all the time and they are truly hate filled people. I feel that I must do every thing I can to counter balance that hate........so I attend city government meetings, Pride celebrations, marches, etc. I guess one could say that I am a very out and public supporter of the lesbigay community. I never let anyone forget that gays and lesbians are a vital and important part of our community. I am sure there are some who wish I would just let it drop, but I can't because there are so many are who are not able to speak out.
All of this really says that I am just a friend. I am so proud of Parents of People who are Gay who have struggled and support and love their children. And I get angry at those who don't. I learned the hard way how much it means to have your children with you.......in the big picture, a child's sexual orientation just isn't very important. Having them close, and being able to love them is what is important.......not all that other stuff! So I will probablly continue to spend most of my time just lurking and learning.
Sue
Created July 13, 1997
Revised September 5, 1999
All copyright retained by individual authors. Please contact them for
permission to reprint for other than personal use.