Our son, Stuart came out to us in 1985 when he was 19. Over the next six years, my husband Howard and I joined PGLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), came out to many of our friends, relatives and co-workers and marched in the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade. We are proud of our gay son and happy with our involvement in the gay community. We speak to high school groups and other parents of gay and lesbian children. We write letters to the newspapers and our elected representatives demanding equality for homosexuals.
One day, in January 1991, about a week after the war started in the Persian Gulf, my son and I were sipping lattes at Just Desserts on Church Street. Stuart was discussing his activism with Queer Nation and his involvement in protesting the war. I was telling him about my complacency during the Viet Nam War. I was a new mother with two babies and could not understand how the war personally affected me and my children. I went about the business of changing diapers. Now I suddenly had a son (two sons actually) who could be drafted, one who was active in the gay rights movement.
"I'd like to ask a favor of you," he said changing the subject . "I'm proud of your involvement in PFLAG. I'm glad you can tell all your friends that I'm gay. But from now on when you come out to people, instead of using the word 'gay,'"would you say 'queer'? Can you tell them your son is queer?"
What followed was a great deal of stammering on my part. I told him I was not comfortable with the word "queer." I mumbled something about it's derogatory connotation. And yet the word "queer" had an energy I liked, a vitality. I told my son I would like to interview him about the importance of the word "queer" to his identity. We met in his home two weeks later
Laura: You asked me to use the word "queer" instead of "gay". Tell me what that word means to you?
S: I have never been comfortable using the word "gay." I didn't know why. When "queer" came along and I started using it, I loved it immediately. It was like a gut reaction. There are two reasons for that. As far as the literal definition goes, "gay," means happy and "queer" means different. I feel more different than I feel happy. I mean I feel happy some of the time but not all of the time. But I feel different all of the time. I also like it because it includes gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender. The word "queer" feels more complete.
L: Talk more about feeling different. Do you want to feel different?
S: Yes. I always felt different since I was a teenager. I was taught
not to feel different. To try and fit in and be like everyone else. Even
in the gay community we're taught to conform. So when the queer community
started last August (I see August as the birth of the queer community -
when Queer Nation was born) we were finally given the opportunity to express
our differences.
L: As individuals or as a group?
S: Both. As individuals we're all different. As a group we're different from the mainstream. We're young. We're activists. We're not entirely young but I guess we tend to attract young people because we're very energetic.
L: Now you're specifically talking about queer nation?
S: Yes. Don't you want me to?
L: . Not necessarily. "Queers" are more than queer nation, aren't they?
S: True. Queers are more politically conscious. I'm going to make a lot of generalizations now. Queers are very anti-government in the way the government is being run now. The gay community is happy to an extent with the way we've been accepted into society and feels we've done our job. The queer community doesn't feel that way. We feel that we've only been accepted as gays when we present a straight image. For example, the domestic partner issue is taking a straight issue and turning it into a gay issue. The gay suit and tie crowd, and lipstick lesbians are accepted much more than those of us who dress radically. I think we've been accepted on their (straight) terms and not on our own terms. That to me is not acceptance. We want to be accepted for who we are. As queers we're much more willing to be out there and open - as open as possible about who we are.
L: So that all gay people are not queer?
S: That's correct.
L: And they probably don't want to be called that either.
S: Definitely. There's quite a backlash. A lot of people see queer as a bad, derogatory word. Let me look it up in the dictionary and see what it says. "Queer: Differing in some odd way from what is ordinary. Singular, peculiar." I don't think being singular or peculiar is a bad thing at all. The second definition is slang. It says, "Spurious counterfeit." I don't choose to use that as my definition. The other slang is "suspicious and questionable." So I can see how there's some objection.
L: Maybe it's more how "queer" has been misused that makes people object to it. The word exists in the heterosexual community too - if you're different in any way, if you don't fall into the mainstream.
S: Right. People think of that as a bad thing. Another definition here is "eccentric."
L: At the last PFLAG meeting one parent said, "When we give ourselves
names, we have to watch out that we don't choose names that are actually
put-downs, because we tend in our society to put ourselves down so much
anyway. And gay people have learned to internalize put-downs. Is the word
"queer" a self-put-down under the surface?
S: Well we've also been calling ourselves fag and dyke, Let me look up fag. "A bundle of sticks." In taking a word that has been used against us, we are essentially neutralizing it. The word before has been used against us. However in using it in a positive way we're neutralizing it. It doesn't mean anything. It's not a "good" or a "bad" word. It's just a word.
L: You don't feel you take along with that any of the negative implications?
S: I don't. After all 30 years ago "gay" did not mean homosexual.
L How did the word "gay" come about?
S: "Gay" came about because gay people started using it and they defined their own word. That's what we're trying to do now. We're trying to fuck with the English language. And it's going to work. That's how language evolves. By people messing with it.
L: We had dinner with your Uncle the other night. I said you were going to the inauguration protest of Governor Wilson (with Queer Nation) and he said, "It will never work. The way they dress up and make fools of themselves turns people off right away." There's a part of me that agrees with that. With people like that,anyway. If you're so radically different, you do turn them off. But if you come to them with a suit and tie, they're a little more willing to listen and there's more of a bridge. Could you respond to that?
S: We want to be accepted on our own terms. Even in the Republican party, in Pete Wilson's mind, people have been accepted, but only if they're wearing a suit and tie. And only if they're willing to conform. That's already there to a certain extent. We're trying to take it a step further. I agree. I think it does turn people off. But maybe what we're trying to do is just be out there and be who we are. And maybe the more that people see us, the less of a problem they'll have with that. I guess we're desensitizing them because we're not harmful.
L: Of course, it might be interesting to do a march with everyone in suits and ties.
S: Hmmmm. Kind of for visual effect. Maybe we can do that for the parade (Freedom Day). No that wouldn't go over very well. But it's a good idea for a march. I has been done. I've heard of cases where people have gone in the suits and ties and when the event started they took them off. They're only clothes. And people make such a big deal out of it.
L: And again what you're saying is that you're serving as role models, saying, "You don't have to look like anyone else or act like everyone else. You can be an individual."
S: Yes.
L: You were saying how you always considered yourself different. Didn't you consider yourself different because you weren't accepted for who you were?
S: That was part of it. On a broader scale, I see that everyone has two sides. They have a side that is like other people and they have a side that is different. And I acknowledge both in myself. Through my spiritual practice, I acknowledge how I'm like other people. Through my activism, I acknowledge how I'm different from other people. So it's more than being not accepted. It's that everyone is different.
L: So you always felt that you're being different was never acknowledged. And the word "queer" helps you acknowledge your difference.
S: Yes.
Laura Siegel, Copyright 1993
May be used in PFLAG newsletters
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