Sunday, 14 Dec 1997
My dear Ones,
In the December 12 edition of the New York Times, I recently read an OP ED piece by Larry Kramer regarding the Sex Panic movement and redefining gay culture. Sex Panic is a small but vocal group that espouses "sexual freedom" and according to Mr. Kramer, wants gay men to have sex when and where and how they want to.
Now, as a Mother, sex is not a subject that I'm exactly comfortable talking about. But, as a Mother of a gay son, I feel that it's imperative that I at least take a stand on what I feel is at best an ill-advised attempt to redefine what it means to be gay. When I speak in public, one of the things that I often say is that being gay is so much more than what my son and his life partner do in the privacy of their bedroom. Then, along comes Sex Panic and says, "Not only is that *all* it is, but we like it public and unsafe." Far be it for me to judge, but darling boys, that's just plain nuts.
I have a theory that part of the reason that a movement like this exists is because so many of its members act disposably because they feel disposable. In other words, they have been cast out by their families and very likely feel that they have nothing to lose and living on the edge makes them feel something. But, I am here to say that there is another movement afoot called M.A.R.S. which stands for Mothers Against Reckless Sex. And, we care. We care about you and what you do. Some of us have already buried our children because of AIDS and we don't want to do it with a new generation. You matter to us. You matter to us in a very visceral way. We're mothers, we don't know any other.
If you want to have sex, have it. If you want to have sex in public restrooms, have that. Not every one of you wants a life of commitment and the white picket fence. Not every one of you wants to be assimilated into the mainstream and I understand that. But why make unsafe sex the focus of your lives? Although not gay myself, I know from having a gay son, that it truly is more than sex. It's about who he is to his core. It's about his soul, it's about your souls, your very ethos; your fundamental values. You are not like tissues or garbage. You are, each and every one of you, dear and precious to us as Mothers and as human beings.
Please be safe. Please don't let this group, formed in a "fury" to defeat being assimilated, speak for you. It sounds to me like a group that needs another group of Mothers to say, "You matter, I love you. Don't go. I want you in my life." And so, we're here, we're queer-loving Mothers, get used to us.
Nancy Lamkin Olson
Board Member of Chicago-PFLAG
and founder of M.A.R.S.
Lamkin52@aol.com