I
am sending this out because it is therapeutic for me, and because
along with sharing the good, we must also share the bad. If
publication of this causes just one parent or sister or brother to
STOP HATING, then it is worthwhile.
About my father's death
A message from Phyllis Frye
I just got word today that my father died yesterday. I've
called several aunts, uncles and cousins. They have consoled me as
best as they could. During these calls, I have cried a lot.
I did not cry over his death, because he chose to "die to me"
over twenty two years ago when I became Phyllis, and he refused to
budge even though it meant the loss of his grandchild and his
great-granddaughter. I have mourned this "death" for twenty-two
years, and the announcement that he died found me mostly numb to it
all. My tears were mostly for myself since I have feared that he
would take his hatred of me with him to his grave -- and he did.
Feeling the strength of his hatred will be hard for me to carry for a
long time to come. For those of you who saw the episode of "Ellen"
several weeks ago about the death of her lover's father, that pretty
much spelled it out.
I called my kids in Fort Worth. My son is working, and the baby
is at day care. Daughter (we do NOT call her "-in-law") is scheduled
to begin her new job in about ten more days. She was so good at
consoling me as I lost it again and started crying. Such a good
daughter. She will probably come to San Antonio with me to the
funeral.
My spouse, Trish, does not know at this writing. She will be
home in about 90 minutes. I'm not sure what she will do since she has
been angry over the way I've been abused by him for almost all of our
married life.
I had a long chat (and another cry) with my closest cousin
(from my mother's side). She said that over the last week lots of
family were called so they could make it in to the hospital and his
bedside in time to say a good bye to Dad. But Mom and Don (my
brother) and LaNell (my sister) did NOT call me, and still have NOT
called me, and damn it, I am crying again
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Why our parents, sisters and brothers can hate us so much that
they will take it to the grave is simply beyond me.
Phyllis
To Phyllis List:
About my Father's Death -- The Funeral
Several folks asked if they could reprint or publish in their local
transgender newsletters the letter that I sent about my father's
death. The answer is yes, Yes, YES -- anything and everything that I
send on this list is intended to be shared and passed along. There is
too much pain out there. If my sharing of this story can help someone
else in any way, then it is worth while. So please share.
Today is Monday, and I learned of my father's death last Friday. It
is clear to me now that my tears on Friday were not for my father (I
had mourned him many years ago after his disowned my in 1976) but
were for my dealing with the hurt of him taking his hatred of me to
his grave with no reconciliation.
Several hours later on that same Friday evening I was told that the
funeral was (set) for Saturday morning. Trish and I left early and
arrived about twenty minutes before the chapel service began. I will
not go into the details herein, except to say that it was almost as
mean spirited and cruel as were my worst fears. My mother disowned me
in the aisleway as I went to view the open casket. My brother only
glared and kept his family at least twenty feet away at all times. My
sister had instructed the minister to leave me, my son and my
granddaughter out of the listing of my father's family. With all of
that, I decided not to sign the registry.
Although I cried several times, often with intensity at their
deliberate meanness and cruelty, I must say that the entire affair
gave me closure. I had always hoped that once released from my
father's thumb, that my family would come around. Now I know that is
never to be, and the finality does give me ease at last on that
issue.
The deliberate meanness and cruelty produced a side effect that I had
not anticipated. Many cousins, aunts and uncles have been
uncomfortably in the middle for a number of years. Well, they saw it
all in vivid and unmistakable display on Saturday morning. Many were
so angered by the deliberate meanness and cruelty leveled at me that
they refused to go on to the subsequent graveside service and instead
took me and Trish to lunch for some love and healing.
I am okay now. As I said, I'd grieved for him over a decade ago. I am
at home and the meanness is 200 miles away. Besides, in two weeks I
will be fifty. We have a big party scheduled with our kids and
grandchild, lots of friends and loved ones.
(NOTE: you will see an unrelated press release in the near future. It
has NOTHING to do with the death of my father or the way I was
mistreated by him, my mother, my brother or my sister. The news of
the press release had been in the works for most of January so do not
confuse that news with his letter.)
Love to all, Phyllis
I want to thank each of you for your response to my letter "About My
Father's Death". Never have I received such a quick and overwhelming
response. Never! More so even that for employment discrimination or
hate crimes. The subject of (or fear of) ostracism by our families is
overwhelming and also crosses the boundary that is often arbitrarily
drawn between the TS and the CD. I was amazed by the intensity and
immediateness of your replies. We TG people obviously need help in
this area more than in any other for sure.
One person wrote that this is what PFLAG (parents family and friends
of lesbians and gays) "should" be about, for transpeople also. I'm
not going to use this as a forum to start a fight with PFLAG, but I
want to again remind you of the new booklet that is available from
PFLAG's committee called T-SON (Transgender Special Outreach
Network). T-SON just published last week a 15 page booklet called
"Our Trans Children". I suggest strongly that you order fifty copies
(50 copies cost only $30 with zero postage costs through April 1998),
and reprint my letter about my father's death, and give the entire
package to your local PFLAG chapter. Send the $30 to Mary Boenke, 180
Bailey Road, Hardy, VA 24101-3528 (MaryBoenke@aol.com).
Your webmaster encourages you to support Youth
Guardian Services and Critical Path AIDS Project.
Visit their websites at www.Youth-Guard.org
and www.CritPath.org.
YGS hosts the PFLAG-Talk, PFLAG-Announce, PFLAG-Discuss, TGS-PFLAG,
Youth and Schools e-mail lists, and the PFLAG T-SON.
The Critical Path hosts the PFLAG-Talk/TGS-PFLAG
website.