From: "Richard Faulkner" <rafaulkner@ioa.com>
To:
Subject: Stepping OUT
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997
Hi,
I am one of those lurkers which have been on the list for several
months now. My name is Richard Faulkner and I am a 41 year old gay
male from Asheville, NC. I am happily "committed" to "Bill" my lover
of 6 years and we are in the middle of "formalizing" that
committement by having our own "wedding" where we will exchange vows,
rings and nervous glances. I work as a factory worker and I am "out"
in all areas of my life.
I would like to say that I subscribed to PFLAG-Talk in November of
1996 on Thanksgiving Day. I originally joined in an effort to seek
support after an incident which occured at the "family" home on
Thanksgiving Day. I cannot really say *why* I have chosen to keep my
silence and lurk in the background and not speak of the issue(s)
troubling me for so long. Perhaps it is because as part of a
"hillbilly family from Appalachia" I am a bit uncomfortable "airing
private matters in public". It could also be that I was not exactly
sure *how* to express the concerns of which I will attempt to
address. I could say that after reading the stories by Jamie and Brad
that my stumbling blocks are small in comparison and that it seemed
silly to trouble the list with the almost trivial matters of my own.
(Incidentally, Jamie you are a courageous young lady, and Brad, just
hang in there... this list IS a very supportive and loving place!
)
After viewing some of the recent responses to the discussion of
religion on this list I feel I should post a warning that this story
does involve religious/Christian issues. Those which find the
discussion of such issues distasteful and/or offensive should
conclude their reading of this epistle at this point.
Where to begin... It is Thanksgiving day 1996.
When I arrived at my mother's home to assist in the final
preparations of the meal, (as I have almost every year that I can
remember), I could "feel" that "something was amiss". Let me state
here that I am the youngest of 6 children. All, except me, have
children and their children have children... holidays tend to be a
large family affair. Although it was nothing which I could put my
finger on, (if you don't count the fact that my "middle" sister's
children and their husbands were all wearing t-shirts with religious
slogans on them as were several others), the house felt colder, the
reception cooler than what I have been accustomed to. Although it is
not wholly accepted by my family, I have been *out* for years and
"home" has always been a place where I felt both welcomed and loved.
Bill later stated that he could tell something was going on but
didn't know what. He left early after the meal having things to
attend to and just plain "getting out of the way". The week or so
prior to Thanksgiving I had told my youngest sister of Bill's and my
plans to become "married". Everyone knew by Thanksgiving day.
Although no direct comments were made prior to Bill's departure
several statements were made which parroted the views which one hears
by members of the "Moral Majority" and similar groups. I refrained
from making any comments at the time. (Pats himself on the back!) In
fact, the only comment I made prior to the "confrontation" was in
response to a leading question by a niece as to what I thought about
the t-shirts. My response had been, "gee, I feel like such an
outsider without a t-shirt, maybe I'll get the one made that I've
been wanting to have made. You know the one that says "American Queer
by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God, and Redneck by Choice!""
Looking back I can see that the statement may have been a bit
confrontational, particularly since several members of the family
have tags on their cars with "similar" statements. However, nothing
was said at the time, for several minutes as a matter of fact.
Luckily, one of the small children ran into the room and began asking
questions and the issue was not persued further...
After the meal was over and Bill and several other family members had
left I walked into the master bedroom downstairs which becomes the
"coat room on such occasions. It was there when one of my nieces
asked me, "what is this we hear about your getting married?" I told
her that it was true, Bill and I had decided to enter into a
committment which we would reguard as a "marriage". The floodgates
opened. Apparantly, that was a signal for someone to notify my middle
sister that I was in a situation where I was alone and could be
"confronted". To simplify matters, I'll avoid the *discussion* which
ensued. It did amaze me that my sister at a point early into the
discussion pulled out her Bible with a list of verses which she used
to justify her position. (I don't think there is any need to quote
the verses as they have been discussed in detail and are readily
available on the web...) She accompanied this action with the
statement: "I'm a good little soldier, I carry my sword!" For 40+
minutes I underwent this confrontation. It seemed at times that an
effort was being made to "brainwash/un-brainwash" me much like the
stories you hear of persons kidnapped/rescued out of cults during the
70's. It all ended when I made the following statement and then left.
"You can think what you will, worship how you feel and believe what
you want to believe. But, you cannot make me believe for one minute
that I am a vile, evil person. Neither can you make me believe that
you've got the market cornered when it comes to God. For God loves me
as much as he loves you and God hates evil. Furthermore, I accept
myself as being a Christian, you can say what you want to, but you
can't take that away from me. Now I'm going to give you a choice, you
can either accept me like I am and welcome me hear when the family
gathers together, WITH BILL, or I can start celebrating the holidays
with those who are more like me."
Later, I recieved a phone call from my sister with an apology. of
sorts. The deal worked out so far is this, we'll "pretend" nothing
ever happened and we won't discuss my being gay at family functions.
I have insisted that this moratorium also include the prohibition of
any discussion of religion. This is an uneasy truce to say the least,
and has yet to be put to the test. I did not attend the Christmas
gathering, instead I visited my mother later in the evening for
several hours after the festivities had passed. Easter is fast
approaching and I have not yet fully decided whether I will (or can)
attend as if "nothing has happened". Although I love my family very
much, I can not push from my mind the notion that when they see me,
even if they "love me", that I stood in front of them and was
reminded how evil and vile I am in their eyes.
Richard
PS Please accept my apologies for the length of this email. I cut as
much out as I could. Once I got started I couldn't stop it seems.
rafaulkner@ioa.com http://www.ioa.com/home/rafaulkner/
Those who give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.... Benjamin Franklin