Bolin, Anne, In Search of Eve: Transsexual Rites of Passage. 1988 $14.95 Burke, Phyllis, Gender Shock: Exploding the Myths of Male and Female. 1996 $ 23.95 Cossey, Caroline, The Caroline Cossey Story 1991 $12.95 Chloe Ann Rounsley, Mildred L. Brown , True Selves : Understanding Transsexualism-For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals. 1996 $25.00 Ettner, Randi, Confessions of a Gender Defender : A Psychologist's Refelctions on Life Among the Transgendered. 1996 $14.95 Feinberg, Leslie, Stone Butch Blues. 1993 $12.95 Feinberg, Leslie, Transgender Warriors: Making History from Joan of Arc to Ru Paul. (heavy on the Marxist polemics.) 1996 $27.50 Moir, Anne & Jessel, David, Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women. 1992, not at Different Light. Morris, Jan, Conundrum. 1974, 1987 $12.95 Pratt, Mini Bruce, S/He. (About Leslie Feinberg) 1995 $10.95 Stringer, JoAnn Altman. The Transsexual's Survival Guide II: To Transition and Beyond for Family, Friends and Employers. 1992 $12.95 Stuart, Kim Elizabeth, The Uninvited Dilemma: A Question of Gender. 1983, 1991 $14.95 Tremain, Rose, Sacred Country. 1995 $10.00 Williams, Walter, The Spirit and the Flesh: Sexual Diversity in American Culture 1992 $16.00 A Different Light Bookstore, 489 Castro St. San Francisco CA 94114 1-800-343-4002 Lambda Rising Bookstore 1625 Connecticut Ave., N.W. Washington, DC 2009 1-800-621-6969 Get Adobe Acrobat Reader. Follow this link for easy instructions. Download this newsletter in Adobe Acrobat format.

tgs-pflag TransParent Issue Number 1, February 23, 1997 Camera-ready masters - snailmail or from the web The TransParent newsletter will be a periodical. The newsletter will be available on the World Wide Web in HTML and Acrobat. We encourage chapters and other organizations to use the Acrobat version for local photocopying and distribution. TransParent will also be available through the mail in two versions: one-sided masters for photocopying or as a two-sided newsletter for individual subscribers.  Decisions on frequency and size of the publication and the subscription price have not yet been made. To be put on the list to receive info about TransParent, contact: Emily Rizzo, c/o Brooklyn PFLAG, 360 Atlantic Ave. #179 Brooklyn, NY 11217 (718) 769-1421 rizzoe@fasecon.econ.nyu.edu. The pflag-talk/tgs-pflag library (at http://www.critpath.org/pflag-talk/library.html) specializes in handouts which are useful for PFLAG chapters and their helplines. Titles include Medical Abuse of GLBT Children, About our Transgender Children , Parents Live in Closets Too, The Subtler Forms of Homophobia, Transgender Primer, Judaism and Gays 101, and 15 Reasons I have Changed my Mind.. These publications, and the National PFLAG Transgender Resource Packet are available by snailmail from Emily Rizzo, c/o Brooklyn PFLAG, 360 Atlantic Ave. #179 Brooklyn, NY 11217 (718) 769-1421 email: rizzoe@fasecon.econ.nyu.edu Disclaimer: pflag-talk and tgs-pflag are independent mailing lists, not monitored or managed by National PFLAG. PFLAG T-SON Organizes by Mary Boenke, Co-Resource Person Since the PFLAG 1995 national conference, the new Transgender Special Outreach Network has steadily grown in both size and activity. Maggie Heineman and Emily Rizzo were instrumental in establishing the tgs-pflag email list which has been providing information and support to hundreds of participants. Involving both parents and transgendered persons, it has been a forum for discussion of personal and family and gender issues. (To subscribe, email to: listproc@critpath.org and say "subscribe tgs-pflag YourName") Since the fall of 1996 the number of local chapter T-SON Representatives has grown from 12 to 46 due largely to the efforts of Karen Gross, Mary Boenke and many others. T-SON now has Regional Coordinators in the following PFLAG regions: Pacific Northwest (AK,OR,WA)-Dennis/Romana -reddwarf@accessone.com, Southern Pacific (So. CA, HI) - Evelyn Lindenmuth - 76673.2716@compuserve.com, Northern Rockies (ID, MT, WY) - Starshine - StarAm@aol.com, Four Corners (AZ, CO, NM, UT) - Ann Minzer - firstgramm@aol.com Southern (LA, TX)- Nancy Sharp - Stressgone@aol.com Great Lakes (IN, MI, OH) - Karen Gross - BOB4605@aol.com Heartlands Region (AR,KA, OK, MO) Robyn Serven RSERVEN@cc1.uca.edu (that's c c one). Mid-Atlantic (DC,DE,MD,VA,WV) - Mary Boenke - maryboenke@aol.com Poconos (NJ, NY, PA) - Janet Flecher - Janet@ccia.com) Canada (all) - Roxanne Hurd-Pride - roxanne@netcom.ca T-SON Coordinators and chapter level reps are urgently needed in many regions and chapters. The tasks of the chapter T-SON Rep are primarily to become familiar with TG issues, to help educate one's local chapter and to welcome TG persons and family members when they attend PFLAG chapter meetings. Mary Boenke is heading up this organizing effort and would greatly welcome inquires and help. (email to: maryboenke@aol.com or 540/890-3957). For transgender family support, contact our online-helpline coordinators, Karen and Bob Gross and Emily Rizzo (email to: BOB4605@aol.com, rizzoe@fasecon.econ.nyu.edu) The T-SON provided a successful workshop at the PFLAG 1996 Convention, generated a basic educational packet (in addition to the fine preliminary packet developed by PFLAG staff) and an extensive reading list. Plans are now under way to help with workshops and provide a PFLAG resource table at several up-coming transgender conventions. T-SON also has a Helpline, listed on PFLAG's web page, and now coordinated by Karen Gross, with many volunteers and Emily Rizzo as back-up. The Helpline has assited many persons in need. Finally, T-SON is interfacing with a variety of other national and regional transgender organizations with the special guidance of Co-Resource Person, Nancy Sharp and a core of active volunteers. While all TG chapter activities are strictly voluntary, TG-SON believes that orientation and gender identity are overlappying issues, that it is morally and politically correct to work together, and is seeking to make PFLAG both inclusive and welcoming for all transgendered persons.

How did I start out with a melancholy Catholic daughter and end up with a contented Jewish son? (The tale of Philadelphia T*FAM)

• by Pat Milligan <pmil@prodigy.com>

  • That question in the title was stolen from my wife, Linda. Actually, many of my best ideas are stolen from Linda. Itâs OK with her.

    I steal the line because it works for me too. I wasnât always so sanguine. There was a time when I thought that my evil son was killing my beloved daughter. That was also about the time that our Înewâ son reacted with rage when we told him we needed time to absorb the change. Our kid changed his gender appearance, his name, his sexual preference and his religion all at once. We didnât tell our child that s(he) was a bad person, or immoral, or sick. We told our child that we needed time to accept the change. And there was rage. On both sides.

    So what does all that have to do with the Philadelphia T*FAM group? Whatâs a T*FAM group anyway? Bear with me. Weâll answer those questions and more.

    Linda and I started looking desperately for a support group for the parents of trangendered children. In our case the child was 20 years old. Our younger child had already introduced us to support groups for her, for me, and for Linda and me. Our then current support groups were supportive but, while they offered unconditional love and support, they couldnât begin to relate to dealing with a transgendered child. Then our transgendered child, either in rage, or as a loving gesture, or in plain old self-interest, sent us some PFLAG literature. For the uninitiated, PFLAG is a support organization for Parents, Family and friends of Lesbians and Gays. I think Iâve got that right. I know Iâm close. I suppose they could call it PFFLAG, but it loses something that way. Anyway, although the PFLAG literature at that time didnât really address transgender issues, it was clearly supportive of those who suffer at the hands of homophobic, just as T*s suffer at the hands of transphobic. It was supportive of the families of societyâs lesbian and gay outcasts and second-class citizens. That was real close to what Linda and I needed. We never did find a North Jersey PFLAG meeting, but with the help of PFLAG and our other support groups and some hard work by all of us, we survived nicely and I came to love the son I never knew I had. So did Linda. It took a little longer to realize that my daughter hadnât gone away, was still there in my son.

    To steal yet another idea, one of the T*s that attends our Philadelphia Area T*FAM Group put it this way: "I look at my previous life as a reversible vest that I wore with only one side out, or showing, for many years. The other side was always there, but it was hidden from view. Then there came a time when I occasionally wore the Îreverseâ side out. Sometimes the original side was out. Eventually the vest was Îreversedâ all of the time. The original side hadnât gone away. It was still there, on the inside." Just as before, one side of my reversible vest showed, and the other side was on the inside." Nice.

    To be honest, the original version is presented better by its owner, but hopefully youâll understand the feelings.

    OK, I leaped (leapt?) right into the Philadelphia Area T*FAM Group without defining its roots, so Iâll step back and do that.

    When Linda and I moved from North Jersey to South Jersey, we were about 8 years past our sonâs transition, and were not feeling a need for support in that area of our lives. We had a good relationship with our son and his life partner, another wonderful guy who used to be someone elseâs daughter. Thatâs another whole story.

    Somehow, and I donât remember how, I stumbled onto the internet e-mail list Îtgs-pflagâ. Itâs an e-mail support list for families and friends of transpeople, T*s. As is usual for me, I lurked for a while (lurking - reading an e-mail list without contributing to the list, therefore remaining anonymous, in effect hidden). Then I responded to some messages that struck a chord, telling some piece of my story as it applied to the message. I received a message from one of the regular members of the list commanding me to get more involved on the list, since I was a rare father on the list. Most of the parents on the list were the mothers of T*s. By and by, I saw some messages about a T* family support group being formed in the Philadelphia area. I responded, since Philadelphia is fairly close to my South Jersey home, and Linda and I were welcomed to the inaugural meeting of the group. It was a great meeting! We had parents of T*s, one spouse of a T*, long-term T*s, intermediate T*s and one just beginning T*, whose parents had never heard him addressed by his new name before that meeting. Thirteen people in all. The unusual thing about that first meeting was the strengths of the members. None were needy. All were Îabove averageâ in one or more areas. Most were there to give help, not to get help. Even the newbies were strong. Of course they need support. They need to know where theyâre headed. They need to know that their fears and feelings are OK. As do all of us. We all got something from the meeting. Great for a founding group. We didnât have a regular meeting place, so Linda and I volunteered our place for the next three monthly meetings. In January of 1997, we met at the site of the Philadelphia PFLAG meetings, but not with PFLAG. Our February meeting will meet concurrently with PFLAG. That will be our 6th meeting. Stay tuned.

    [Editors Note. February 17, 1997. Twenty three people attended yesterday's meeting of Philadelphia T*FAM. We had fathers, mothers, a spouse, a brother, friends, and both m2f and f2m transgenders. In another room there were 25 people at the monthly meeting of the straight spouse support group (spouses of gays and lesbians) which also started in September. Maggie Heineman]

    ---

Life is more fun married to a transsexual

• bt Janet Elizabeth Flecher <janet@ccia.com>

  • My story is really our story. Me? I'm Janet Flecher. The other half of the "our"? Well that's my wife Mary Lou. Mary Lou and I are a very unusual and rare couple. We truly are a legally married same sex couple. We, like perhaps 150-250 other couples in America today, did this the really hard way. I am a transsexual, and really, when you get down to it, I've been a Transsexual all my life. But I denied ever being one until about three years ago, when I finally had no choice but to admit being so. Twenty-one years ago, while in the midst of the deepest denial, I met and married my soul mate, Mary Lou. Then in a two year long process beginning three years ago, I changed my sex to match hers, to being female.

    I wish that I could say that this was a easy transition. But it was not. Very few, perhaps less than 3%, of the marriages involving people like myself survive. Many because the spouse simply does not want to be sexual with a lesbian or gay man. Many because of the tremendous stress involved. Many because of the tremendous pressure both from society and traditionally from the medical community, that couples like us must divorce.

    We choose not to. And in the process of finding the support we needed to keep our relationship alive, we first found PFLAG. I wish that I could say that on the first contact we immediately became hard core PFLAGers. But it did not happen that way. At first, I was not sure that the local chapters were ready to provide the support Mary Lou and I needed. And we were not at the place psychologically that we had the strength to educate and build that place of support.

    I have always been active in the Cyber world, and it was almost inevitable that I would come across the tgs-PFLAG mail list (where I am currently assistant list-owner). I basically subscribed to this list to find help in dealing with my parents, who do not accept me. But what I found was a warm and wonderful place where both Mary Lou and I felt comfortable. From here, we began attending the local chapter of PFLAG in New Castle, PA within the last year.

    Our presence challenged the local chapter as none had ever met or dealt with a transsexual before, much less a transsexually involved married couple. But we have made tremendous progress on educating the chapter and becoming a vital part of that chapter.

    PFLAG is a wonderful organization, unfortunately there are roles that PFLAG is not yet ready fo fulfill. The issues surrounding transsexuals and families are tremendously complicated. For male to female transsexuals, approximately 50% are married at the time of transition. Most of these marriages involve children. Mary Lou, myself, and Deni Scott (who is also a transsexual) felt that there was a need for a support group designed to focus on these issues in the Pittsburgh area. Together we founded TransFamily. TransFamily is exactly what the named implies, a family oriented support group for the entire transgendered community. We use the broadest definitions of both family and transgendered that we can. Our intent is to provide peer support and peer counseling to any individual undergoing any stress because of Gender Dysphoria. Either in themselves, or in a friend or family member.

    Since its start, TransFamily has grown to become one of the region's primary sources of answers to family issues involving transgenderism. We are now attracting individuals from as far away from Pittsburgh as Erie and Cleveland. TransFamily currently has a loose association with PFLAG. With a growing commitment from PFLAG to the gender community, we hope this will change with time.

    Much of the work in helping PFLAG adapt to this coming change must be done on the local levels. As such, I have become involved with the T-SON organization. I now serve both as the T-SON representative for our local chapter and as the T-SON Pocono regional coordinator. In these capacities, I hope to expand the ability of the 38 PFLAG chapters in this region to open their hearts to both the transgendered and their families. This will call for a lot of work, effort and education. Many of these chapters have never dealt with a transgendered individual before and are unaware of the social and political issues transgendered individuals face today. My hope is to make every chapter in the Pocono region transgendered friendly, and to help expand this work to all the chapters within PFLAG.

    ---

Kitten Gross - Getting support from the net, giving support on the ground

• by Kitten Gross <Bob4605@aol.com>

  • Part One - Getting and Giving Support

    When I first learned of tgs-PFLAG in November, 1995, I found a great deal of help just lurking. Finally, I became more sure of myself and introduced myself and it has been wonderful for me. Eventually, I was asked to be a part of the helpline, and I really enjoy that. I have made many new and wonderful friends on the list, and best of all, I have met several of them. This has been a great experience for me and I know I have grown and learned a great deal.

    My husband and I have spoken at a PFLAG workshop on "Coming Out" at the Chautaqua PLFAG meeting, and my husband, son and I were on a panel at the National PFLAG Convention in Washington DC October of 1996. We will also be speaking on TG/TS issues at the Columbus PFLAG chapter meeting the end of February.

    When Mitch moved home last year, he was very unhappy not having the friends or support he had in Columbus, and I needed to see if I could meet some parents in my situation. So....I thought I'd try and start a support group with some of the friends Mitch did meet. When Mitch first came out, a few days later on the front page of our local paper, an article appeared about a firefighter who was changing from MtF. So...I called the fire department and left a message for her to call me. She did call me, one of the only calls she returned, and we met. She was a great help to me. Like I said before, you just have to know that there are others out there going through the same thing . That your child is not the only one who has these feelings. So my new friend was a great help. Then I asked on tgs-PFLAG if anyone knew of someone in Cleveland I could contact. Someone did give me a name of a mother and daughter. I contacted them and with Mitch, Meg, and Barb and her daughter, we had our first support meeting. Then Mitch knew about someone else, and our little group kept growing. At our last meeting in February, we had 23 TS friends, 4 of them coming for the first time, another set of parents, and our first speaker at one of our meetings. Our speaker was a psychologist who specializes in TS counselling. Next month we will have an attorney who works with TS folks. Our group has really grown and I've already been contacted by a new TS and her mother. They will both be at our next meeting. This new TS is only 14 years old. I just met with her mother and we talked over lunch. She is so glad to have found our group.

    Part Two - Kitten's story

    Hello, my nickname is Kitten and I am the mother of an FTM who had "top" surgery in March of 95. He has been so happy since then, and would love to go on and have the rest of the surgeries when he can afford it. My husband and I are very accepting of the situation and so was my "son's" husband.. They have since divorced and have remained best of friends. My son thought it best to move out and hopes his "X" is ready to get on with his life and find another wife. Mitch has even tried to fix him up and counselled him on getting back to the dating scene. They do have a nice relationship which I find very interesting.

    As much as I tried to accept this change, it was easier to accept the person outwardly, but I hurt on the inside and really miss my daughter. We had a very close mother-daughter friendship. We do have a better mother-son relationship now than I have with my other son. My other son seems to be angry with me over this happening, and probably some other things as well. But he does not really accept his new brother and they hardly talk except when we get together as family. The most I can say is that they are civil to each other and stay out of each other's way. He has given some clothes to Mitch that he no longer needed and they had talked about doing something for our anniversary together, but that never actually came to pass as we had to go out of town at that time. I have gone for counselling, but I wished I could have gotten my other son to do so. My husband says he has accepted Mitch and does not need any additional help. I must admit he has done rather well, and has tried hard to be a comfort to me and to help me understand and more easily accept Mitch. It was really hard at first. I did not want to Mitch to know how upset I was, because I knew he was going through some real tough times himself. But now, Mitch is living near us and is working in the office with us, this is his second tax season! ! He also has recently passed the Ohio Law Bar and has been doing some legal work. Hope it will continue for a while. I like have him near-by and working in our office!!!

    Our son is now 28 and it was Thanksgiving 93 when he first told us of what was happening, and then he left to go back to Columbus where he was living with his husband. It was rough on me thinking about it and not having him close so I could talk with him more about it. But in some ways it was easier also; he wasn't around so I didn't have to think about it.

    He came back with his husband for Christmas and we all talked some more. He told us they were getting divorced but would still be friends. They seemed to have such a happy marriage and were such good friends, I had trouble understanding the reason for the divorce. But, upon learning of other details, like lack of much of a sex life, I realized that it was something they needed to do. In fact, it was because Mitch had such a hard time with intimate relations, that he felt the need to seek counseling. And that's when he realized what he really needed to do. And that's when counseling helped him find what he was really looking for. Then looking back on his very unhappy childhood, I could see where he really seemed more like a little boy than a little girl. I just thought he was so jealous of his younger brother. He would wear his brother's underwear, and only wanted to buy his clothes in the boys department when he was old enough to chose. He was very good in math and computers, which at the time, it seemed that boys were more interested in those subjects. He just seemed to have very masculine ideas, and he clashed a great deal with his father, who thought he just wasn't very femine - not the little girl he hoped we had hoped and planned for. They were never very close and clashed often. Both are very head strong. Now they seem to get on much better.

    I was very worried about how my elderly parents with their Victorian ideas would accept this change in their first (and in one case, only) Granddaughter. Both sets have dealt with it very well. Only my mother-in-law still seems to have a terrible problem with the pronouns. I, too, have still had trouble with the pronouns. Mitch is now going to move in with his grandmother. My father-in-law passed away before he ever found out. He was very ill and in a nursing home when Mitch first "came out".

    I have enjoyed reading the other stories and letters on the internet and wish I knew other parents near-by so we could meet and talk. Just reading on this list has helped. But the best thing I did to help myself, was to begin to help others in my or Mitch's situation. It was good to meet other parents of TS children and great to meet the many TS people I have met. They are wonderful, warm, and loving people and have been a great help to me, even though they keep telling me I have been a great help to them.

    • ---

Mary Boenke - A PFLAG leader's lesbian daughter becomes her son

• by Mary Boenke <maryboenke@aol.com>

  • I am Mary Boenke. Louise Rafkin's new book Different Daughters II includes my chapter about our new son. It may be the first published account by a mother of a transsexual and I am proud to be able to contribute even a tiny bit to this relatively new, growing field. I've have been married for 41 years and we have 3 adult offspring, two in-laws, and 5 grandchildren. Our middle "adult child" is a genetic female who came out to us 19 years ago as a lesbian and came out to us again last year as an female to male transsexual.

    I am the founder and president of the Roanoke PFLAG chapter and I have been a PFLAG regional director. I went to the 1995 PFLAG Convention with the idea of starting a TG/TS network and was delighted to find others on the same wavelength. The tgs-pflag email list has been a fabulous education, great fun, and an introduction to especially wonderful people as well. In 1996 I became the co-resource-person for the PFLAG Transgender Special Outreach Network (PFLAG T-SON). I am especially intrigued with the concept of continua, starting with bisexuality, extending to all aspects of sexuality and gender, and on into "new" ways to view the whole interconnected web of life. My life was greatly enriched by my introduction to homosexuality and now once again as I learn about gender identity.

  ---

PFLAG Glenview - PFLAG's first transgender-specific support group

• by Ellie Altman <EllieAlt@aol.com>

  • I'm Eleanor Altman, the mother of a female to male 30 year old transexual. I found out about my son's transition from female to male about one and a half years ago. I called PFLAG and they knew nothing about trangender matters, nor could give me any information or numbers to network with. On the contrary, I found myself spending 20 minutes giving the support person on the helpline my input, telling her I was okay, and found myself drained when I put the phone down.

    I became connected to IFGE, started to assemble information, and formed a support group in the North Shore of Chicago. It turned out my group serves the entire Chicago area and far reaching communities. Our support group is quite small, consisting of about 8-12 families. Most family members do not come to our meetings. One of the reasons is, their kids,have mainstreamed well, and there is not the great need. I seem to have new people coming all the time. There are families in our area who will not attend group at all, like the family of my son's best friend in high school, and both "girls" turned out to be transgendered. Very interesting!

    Our meetings are in my home, and although we do not have a regular monthly time slot, we get together every 6 weeks or so, whenever I sit down pick and date and call everyone. I serve dinner, so we can relax, feel more intimate, and we talk for 2-3 hours. We order in, and I ask members to throw something in the pot to cover the cost. I receive at least one phone call a week from my ads in all the transgendered magazines. Dr. Randi Ettner, a PhD psychologist from Evanston also sends me all her patients' families.

Your webmaster encourages you to support Youth Guardian Services and Critical Path AIDS Project.
Visit their websites at www.Youth-Guard.org and www.CritPath.org.
YGS hosts the PFLAG-Discuss, TGS-PFLAG, Youth and Schools e-mail lists, and the PFLAG T-SON.
The Critical Path hosts the PFLAG-Talk/TGS-PFLAG website.